Offside. Chapter 13

Johnny is still caught up in his thoughts, but I am more than convinced that he’s doing this because he had invited me before and this only confirms the gesture of friendship. Maybe I’m just getting honoured to be a friend forever now by this small action. We remain silent simply because I can’t really think of anything to ask at all. I could ask something really stupid like if he’s enjoying the place after the move, but the problem is that I’m sure he wishes he were back in his hometown instead. I don’t know how to imply that I’m into him, that somehow that won’t change and that my moronic heart wants him to know that. Because I’m no longer thinking with anything else, but I keep my mouth shut as we enter the door.

There’s always this loneliness which trails, which has followed me my entire life. It’s a trembling fear of never finding someone else who would understand and mimic everything I like. Once I knew I was gay I felt alienated even with Steven, because he was bisexual, I never understood attraction towards women even if I had been guilty of it in the past. I didn’t understand the merit of certain movies and I would be alone in searching for books which would tell me of the past, which would make me understand how would love tick. Steven would help, but I’d still feel alienated. I could never muster the courage to tell him that he enjoyed that movie because he could relate to it.

Maybe Johnny wasn’t a good idea either?

Would he-

I just stopped in my tracks and Johnny followed, turning around, probably because he didn’t hear the noise of my footsteps anymore. I just get hollow breathing, watching him and the wind play with curls. I wonder how often had he cut them off as a child, growing up and how much did he dislike them?

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” My mouth tastes like metal, blood as if I had been biting it all this time. There was never anyone, just those who pretended to care. Johnny makes a step towards me, lost and I look up at him. I wish I were the wind, tousling his hair, stroking his cheeks. The bus is gone too. I have nowhere to go.

I’ve got Johnny as a friend. I shake my head and Johnny waits for me to say something I don’t know.

I can’t really speak to him about how lonely I’ve been and how I would just drown myself in alcohol and cigarettes if I could. I’ve reached the end of trying to find anyone online and around me there is no one and every year there’s a hope of someone new. It feels like an online conversation where the other decides to leave and I’m left wondering what have I even said wrong.

But I know how I’m fucking up and my heart is pounding through my entire body.

Johnny shifts to look at the bus stop, as if he would be able to fucking read the times from here.

“Robbie, regardless it’s a fucking hour to the next bus.”

“It’s fine, I can wait.” I stop looking at the pebbles below us and actually look him in the eye, even if he’s much taller than I am. I try not to think much of his height in a sexual way either, because all is really lost or maybe I’m sabotaging it myself. But then do I want to be friends with someone who just pulled me away? Is this where it all ends? Is this the grand finale?

“Robbie.” And we’re both staring at each other. Johnny seems to have discarded the kiss which ripped my heart in shreds. “Don’t be a fool, you’re welcome to come in, man.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I shrug it. I’m far more hurt than I should be. I didn’t expect this turn of events and I’m not sure how I even fucking feel about it.

“Yeah, I know.” I pause. “And thank you for that, but…”

“I’m not sure I’m pleased with… someone just discarding a kiss like that.” I’m desperate and sabotaging.

“…It was just a kiss.” He says with a really long pause.

“It wouldn’t be just a kiss if I would do it again and you wouldn’t lean away.” I stand strong with my words. I try to find something strong to keep backing me up. But I find nothing besides fear in his eyes. He’s panicking.

“It was just a kiss.” Johnny repeats and I recall how he was in the city. He was dazing out and we just went home for him to turn over a new leaf and forget about everything, just shove it under the rug and sit on it, waiting for all of it to be gone. But it’s not his imagination, he’s fighting but himself, ripping to shreds, denial.

I step up to him and he just stares, wind blowing his curls and I just watch him.

“You’ve got to relax.” I lean in and his breathing eases as I get closer. “You’ve got nothing to lose.”

But as soon as I say the phrase I regret it deeply. You can lose everything-

“Robbie, my parents are homophobic.” He snaps out of it and shakes his head, I watch him from this close. I’m guessing his parents are away.

“I’m sorry, that’s not exactly what I meant.” I say and Johnny’s already lost himself to thinking about his parents and I can see that on his face. I wonder how bad are they and what he had heard, because you can still hear things before you even know who you are. “You… yourself should just let loose.”

“Maybe you should stay at the bus stop.” Johnny mumbles it stone cold. He then proceeds to look up at me and regret what he had just said. “Look… Please, please just drop it. I’ve never even thought properly of guys. It’s not my sexuality, but yours.”

He starts breathing heavier and I just want to hold him. I guess I open my mouth without realizing it and Johnny abruptly stops whatever I’m doing. He’s terrified, just like any straight boy would be, I assume.

I want to hold him.

I want to tell him that it’ll be alright.

I want him to be mine.

“Yes, I kissed you. We were both caught up in the fucking moment. We just… went overboard.” I feel like his own thoughts are racing and he’s not exactly sure to which ones should he even listen anymore. I feel like I’m losing Steven again, I just see the cracks and I trace my fingers into oblivion, praying that something would happen, that me breaking it further would somehow make it all dissolve and come back if I wait patiently enough or think of it. “Look, I think of you as a great friend in this pile of shit which I’ve come to know.”

My own breath becomes heavy. I don’t even want to be just a friend. I’m out of arguments to even shoot out. I can’t touch him, we just stand ridiculously close to each other, saying nothing and doing nothing. It’s… bad.

“So you just want me to step over the kiss and remain friends?” Why is it just a kiss, when we’re grown up and frankly he should’ve just fucked me in the ass at this point. This feels like child’s play and I am clearly losing the game, I have tripped over the skipping rope and fallen chin down against the asphalt.

“Yes!” Johnny exclaims as if he were a teacher and I had finally understood the problem.

“That’ll cost you.” Johnny looks down straight at me. “Another kiss.”

He goes pale. I nudge him with my elbow, grinning as much as my broken heart can. I wish it was time for a change when I’m not heartbroken, I wish something would move properly down that front, but I understand that a kiss is literally the most action I have gotten in God knows how long now because a day is an eternity of itself.

“I’m just mocking you, I’m your friend.” Let me dream at least. He eases up. “But my offer will stand forever.”

Johnny just shows me a rather sad smile, probably feeling sorry for me but I sell it to myself that he somehow feels sad and he would rather hold me in his arms instead. At least just that.

I look back, understanding that I’ve truly lost my head on the way. Maybe I should look at him as a friend, just a friend who happens to understand me somehow. Who happens not to be homophobic towards me? Steven had left a terribly foul taste in my mouth and I’ve had crushes who had turned around to be full flesh homophobic or just stop once they would realize what’s happening, both of us would, looking back. But would Johnny be the same? Would he just vanish from my life?

We both silently continue to walk towards the house and I can’t help but wonder how many people have left such a vile and foul taste in my mouth, that even when I think of them today I just wish my mind would switch to something else. Eventually it does, but just like now, my mind is polluted with fear and such thoughts.

I still feel like I’m starving from Johnny, that I still want to pin him down, that I want to keep feeling the length of such a kiss.

I can never help but wonder about football players who are never out. I don’t think I would able to stay private and I remember thinking of artists who would produce straight art and that always got me thinking. If art is supposed to make you free, how does straight art set a gay man free? It wouldn’t be exactly applicable to football, but I didn’t want to think that I would have to hide a boyfriend. I always wondered about many players, letting my thoughts wander if they were really queer and what makes them closeted.

I also mused on ignorant opinions, because that’s what holds us back. Because one man can’t change anything at all but an ignorant opinion can spread. Maybe after crying, one can realize that the world could’ve been much worse.

“You alright, Robbie?”

Oh, you know, just thinking about how unfair the world is. No matter how much I’ll yell I’ll never be heard and if I’ll have to be closeted for a football career I would.

“Yeah, yeah.” I smile at him, I try to get out my friendliest smile which is probably terrifying and predator looking. I just sigh heavily when he’s ruffling his pockets for the keys and as soon as he glances at me, I plaster my smile back up.

“It’s fine… I don’t expect you to just give it all up today, I just think that I really want you as a friend. If you’re fine with that, of course?” Johnny says. Please tell me that somehow if we bond you’ll at least want to kiss me once more? “Getting over a crush is always hard.”

And you are hitting me hard, Johnny.

“You can always talk about it. I’d be flattered.” He grins at me slightly, still trying to make the air at least a bit lighter. But I still don’t know what to make of it all, besides frown inside.

“Ha ha.” I say a bit too gloomily, but Johnny takes it anyway and we’re in. I expected something like a kiss somehow, that when I would go to his place he would just hold me in his arms and we would make out, maybe even have sex on the rug which something which I could’ve easily expected. The rug, that is.

“You want to play Fifa?” He offers me and I just nod, realizing that a good game could relax me after all. I wonder if he’s got alcohol but then I don’t want to show up smashed back at my parents’ or at the bus, missing my stop altogether because the trees look all the same when you’re drunk and you open the bus window to peak out.

“Please don’t fucking play Cristiano like you did last time.” I whine, smiling briefly, recalling the minor mock.

“Okay, I’ll play Barcelona then. Would that be better?” He looks at me as we take off our shoes. “Why don’t you try it as well, I’ll play Barcelona, kick midfield with Messi and you take Ronaldo, since he’s rumoured to be gay, just like you.”

“I think he’s gay. Seen the daddy he hung out with?” Johnny just shakes his head to my question, because I do have a habit of sometimes checking the yellow pages about football players when I’m bored or their Instagram just to see what could’ve awaited me if I could actually be a proper midfielder.

“You clearly know much more than I do, so I’ll take him as gay then.” I just grin as we head to Johnny’s room which is upstairs, just like any other house here or maybe that’s where the console is. His family could’ve spiced it up and kept the kitchen upstairs or something, but then I doubt they did something too revolutionary with the house.

I don’t want him to leave me either way, I don’t want him to become a Steven. I don’t need to sulk over another guy to think over a sinking heart. Sometimes when I think of Steven, I feel like I’m going through all of it all over again. I feel like I’m back to day one, when I found out. I can never help but wonder what the hell could’ve happened if he kept himself to himself. He had cried. He had regretted. I don’t think of that, I think of how I had left him. I start feeling cold. I couldn’t have done anything at all to change it, but it hurts. But enough of sinking low and thinking of him. I need to move on when I’ve got no one to move to.

We do end up following Johnny’s plan and I do play as Real Madrid, kicking from the middle of the field, same for him and both of cussing when the other scores. I can’t help but keep glancing at him, confused how come he had managed to step over it so easily. In the back of my mind I prayed all day that he would change his mind in a home setting, but instead he just continued being himself, I assume. Just friendly, offering to make dinner for both of us as his parents went elsewhere and I helped to cook with every cooking skill I had. Eventually his parents came back and I couldn’t help but wonder how deeply rooted their homophobia was, since he was American. But then maybe I shouldn’t have even thought of it. The day went well, despite all my anxiety and neither of us mentioned it and I kept my jokes in my sleeve, as if there would be a perfect moment to just whip them out.

He walked me to the bus stop and as soon as we were both of out sight, he just hugged me tight. Johnny didn’t say much to go with it, but I took it actually as a friendly gesture, we had a weird start of a day and I guess a beginning to a friendship now? Could I even consider him my friend?

–

Sorry for the delay, but I’m only a day late thankfully. I’m also pretty smashed from life and alcohol at this point. I had this theory that everyone has their point where they decide with their mouths closed whether they become friends or not. I discussed it widely with my previous crush.

So that’s the backdrop of this chapter.

I’ve been debating strongly of family and their acceptance. The usual motion is to come out and deal with it, but is that really the wisest idea? That’s also another topic I go in deep with because it’s so personal to me.