Offside. Chapter 18

“So does that mean that the fans won’t matter in the end?” I ask him and I get a terrible urge for a cigarette since I tend to get anxious around him, because I know that all is out of my hands and the ball has been in his court. I closed my eyes to see if he has kicked out of the field and I closed my ears shut, to make sure that I wouldn’t know and I didn’t dare to open anything to check if he had decided on a move which would ruin everything or if he was just thinking. Sometimes it’s better to keep the fears away, rather than opening a turned over basket with spiders just so that they would bite faster, since death is unavoidable. Johnny doesn’t ponder, he has an answer ready as soon as I drop my hand to feel the water.

“Well, I still would want fans. That won’t mean that I would cheat on you or anything, I’d still be devoted.” He says and then shifts in his seat. “Damn, you should’ve taken those cigarettes.”

I nod. He takes out a pack from his pocket.

“Good thing I took mine.” And I wait patiently until he takes one for himself and then stretches me the pack. I wonder for a while, how are we even promoting a healthy lifestyle but then it’s not surprising when everyone around smokes and it’s more weird that one doesn’t smoke than does. He lights both of our cigarettes and I try to relax, even if he’s like electricty running through my body, as if he was trailing his fingers on my skin and following them with his lips. It’s all tense and anxious to like someone.

“Good to know.” I smile, following the conversation after we had both taken the cigarettes. “That you’d be devoted.”

Then what’s stopping you? But I don’t ask that.

Maybe he feels the question though.

He keeps silent and we just smoke, but it’s not too tense. Both of us are thinking about our own things, but I’m sure we both convince ourselves it’s because we’re smoking. It takes a while until he decides to look me in the eye. We’re not too close, but it feels that way since we don’t dare to move from the middle of the boat. I’m sure it would’ve been a romantic moment if we tried and if somehow I was in Johnny’s interest completely, he would’ve kissed me here and then. I try to distract myself with different thoughts but by the end of the day, I can’t help but shake it off. If he were interested in guys he would’ve tried, but he doesn’t. It could be the homophobia as well though – one thing is disappointed parents, another is actually being shunned, excluded from family and everything.

I shouldn’t be pushing, but I entertain the thought of what if he were actually a big football player who would come out with a boyfriend, hand in hand. That would’ve been huge and in a sport which is rather quiet about sexuality, which depicts as if every guy only wakes up to women. It feels like a fake environment which only we have harvested, despising homosexuality for so long, that we ended up being in this lab and it’s been dragging on for God knows how long and who knows how much longer.

I think of being his boyfriend in that context, but I hold myself from smiling. I wouldn’t be lonely anymore and the only person I didn’t feel lonely with was gone for a few months already. But here I am with no prospect of anything and uncertainty with where life would go and lead me. I even just sit back and see where does the river end, not bothering to see what’s around, which branches could I grab to get out of this river and see if there’s a better one nearby or if I’d rather be stuck.

The days are long, boring and desperate because there’s nothing to gain and nothing to lose. There’s only this false feeling that we are doing something in the melancholic tail end of summer.

“What did you smile about?” Johnny asks carefully and curiously. I didn’t even realize that I smiled back then and I wonder if I had spaced out enough for him to ask me twice.

“Should be fun, being a boyfriend of a football player. Getting to see all the matches.” I breathe out the smoke. “I would totally be those boyfriends which would follow every game and get a kit every season to support.”

Johnny laughs.

“But wouldn’t you want to be on the field too?” I roll my eyes at him.

“Won’t happen. I’m realistic.” I keep inhaling even if I should’ve put it out now, the last desperate drag. “I’m no good.”

“You’re a pretty good attacking midfielder, you know.” Johnny throws another smile at me. He’s a pretty smiley guy, something I wouldn’t have expected if someone told me he’s one cocky striker. “Maybe out of all of us, you’ll get there.”

“Maybe no one will.” I say and I ponder where do I even leave my cigarette, but Johnny takes both and presses them against the box, before putting them back in, so that we don’t make a mess anywhere.

“Maybe I’ll be the football boyfriend then. Should invest into you, while I still can before some models line up to be fucked by you for eternity and for your glory.”

“You should totally audition.” I smirk at him and fiddle with my hands, still nervous and anxious and I feel like Johnny moved closer, but I’m no longer sure, could be my vision just showing me different tricks.

“Audition?” Johnny laughs and looks at me. “And what the hell do I have to do?”

“Kiss me.” I say, lifting my head up. I don’t even know how do I get the courage to do these things, maybe I learned from Steven, because he was rather brave. Maybe he didn’t move closer.

His face goes a bit pale.

I bet he wishes he had a cigarette as well. We just keep staring at each other. I lean a bit closer and Johnny doesn’t move, he just watches me, I’m sure his thoughts are terrible confusion.

“Is that all… for the audition?” He asks me, quietly, trying to keep up his act, but I let him go through with it. I want to hold his hand and tell him it’s okay and we’re frankly in the middle of a lake where we’re really far away from anyone-

“You don’t have to-” I start saying but he cuts me off by kissing me. I get so startled that I open my eyes only to see his closed and relaxed. I kiss him back. My blood starts rushing, pumping adrenaline, as I feel him against me. It doesn’t last long, but we do kiss a few times.

“I could nearly hear your heartbeat. I’m in, aren’t I?”

“Y-yeah.” I barely manage to speak up.

“You better start believing in yourself then, if you want me to be a football boyfriend to you.” He says, already looking for cigarettes and I’m aware that this is a one off thing. For the audition.

I don’t exactly feel like one, but I find it rude if I would refuse. I wonder if I can ask him if we can share one instead, not thinking of it as much romance as it would actually seem. But then he would surely get even more scared. I want to kiss him again. I want to be intoxicated by his lips that I can’t think straight. Johnny keeps flicking his lighter against his cigarette, staring at the flame. He inhales and then manages to look at me. I don’t dare to ask anything, I realize that my silence probably said too much and he decided that I wasn’t in the mood for one. I want to grab the cigarette with my shaking hands and kiss him once more. I want to taste him, taste the bitter taste of cigarettes again with his own blend. I want to tell him that I like him and I’m scared that after today he would just slip away from my fingers, that it would be it. I want to hold him close, even if I know that I wouldn’t be able to protect him from much harm thrown his way and maybe I am selfish to even want him to pursue me. Maybe I should just let him go.

I do take his cigarette, without thinking much and it doesn’t matter because we’ve kissed three times already and he’s driving me crazy. Johnny doesn’t bother much when I take it from his fingers and inhale. He watches me, waiting for his turn and the reality of a kiss suddenly takes over us.

Would I prefer him as a friend if we would be normal around each other and talk? But then who am I kidding when he kisses me that way? We would never manage to just be friends from now on and all was a question of time of how would the dice fall.

I feel terrible that I ache for a longer kiss, like the one we had shared prior in the bus, my fuel for these past few days and what I would keep thinking about. But I get a cheeky reply in my head, which would break the tension. I word it a few times in my head.

“If that’s all it takes for you to be with me, I’ll become a football player even if I can’t.” I say and we’ve been smoking the same cigarette by taking turns and breathing the smoke out, while still sitting close and staring at each other, waiting for some reaction, something we were both missing.

Johnny smirks at the sudden phrase, but I can see that he’s still uneasy. I want to say relax, but I once pushed Andy when I couldn’t stop worrying about breaking up with Steven and I yelled at him to never tell me to fucking relax. What if Johnny was the same way? What if he didn’t like to get told to relax? He takes the cigarette from my mouth as soon as I stop inhaling, brushing against my own fingers. The striker looks down on my lips. He watches my mouth.

We won’t be able to break this down.

“I would say that you should relax or that it’ll be better. But I don’t know… what you want to hear.” Johnny smiles sadly at my own words and takes a very long drag. I don’t even know which topics are taboo. I push it. “I’d like to know.”

I don’t dare touch him. He needs his own growth and decision whether to accept this or move on with regrets or thoughts which would trouble him at a late age, why hadn’t he done it in a fucking boat in the middle of a lake where no one could catch him at all. Why hadn’t he just kissed the other football player?

I inhale before giving it back to him.

“Try to weight everything. Take it action by action.” I suggest him. “Weight the harder ones, if they’re worth and if you’re panicking about the smaller ones…”

“They can lead to bigger problems.” Johnny says, looking at me.

“I’m breaking the moment, aren’t I?” I say, but he remains just as close.

“No, no. You’re just raising the right questions, which I should myself instead of blindly panicking and… acting rash because I feel like it.” Johnny confesses and finishes off the cigarette, putting it back into the box. He sighs, looking away.

“If you want, we can openly talk about it.” I blur out and Johnny stares at me, now noticing the elephant in the room properly and how it’s so huge that we’re frankly cramped together, holding each other tight.

“No, I… need some time, to wrap my head around and decide where I even want to go with this.” Johnny says and looks at me. “If that’s alright.”

“It’s alright. Take your time… it’s not easy decision to pursue or not and-” Johnny’s face tells me that he’d rather think of this himself. But I don’t want him to leave me today. I want him to stay and play Fifa with me, at least.

I feel like I had ran a terrible marathon, where all my limbs are aching and I’m disoriented, I’m lost and I haven’t found what I’m looking for. I haven’t found the answer to anything at all. Does he trust me? I wonder on that question far too much, I let it trail and do pathways in my mind. I feel tired. I just want him to tell me everything that worries his head, that doesn’t allow him to sleep at the night. I want to know what keeps him awake and if I cross his mind during the sleepless nights.

What if he’s going hot and cold on me?

“I just… don’t want to be alone and I’m still your friend, regardless of which turn you take.” I tell him and he looks at me surprised. I try to take some initiative. “I also thought of it, I’ll be your friend if you decide to just remain friends.”

What happens if we change and all of this will be lost in years? Is it worth pursuing something so young?

Johnny still looks at me shocked, expecting something else from me. But I just shrug, as an addition to what I had just said, because after all I will eat it up, I will be friends because that’s what we are anyway right now besides two snogs, one much shorter than the other, but both had different undertones. I could see us kissing under the stars, I could see us kissing under any other colours of the sky, as it would show a kaleidoscope of life. But we were so far away, so far that I had no idea if that was just my dreams and that would be it. If what I had seen was just the depths of my heart rather than something else. Maybe he’s shocked because he doesn’t want me to utter everything, maybe he just wants it at the back of his mind forever.

“Thanks.” He does say in the end. “I’m happy to hear that you’ll be with me.”

“I’m not some Grindr guy to say ‘alright, let’s get to know each other’ and then vanish.” I smirk and Johnny laughs briefly at my remark. I do smile at his ‘you’ll stay with me’ though, because I wouldn’t mind, because maybe all love should be treasured, even the one sided. I don’t even know where to go, maybe there will never be anyone out there. Maybe I am doomed to something like loving a friend, while he will go back to some girlfriend, because he’ll click with her in all the ways he would like, maybe he doesn’t want another football player, because after all straight people sometimes hold completely different interests and that’s okay, but maybe I have a narrow minded world, because me and Steven still were alike in ways. I don’t even know anymore. I just know that I wouldn’t be able to be with women, while Johnny clearly can. I do wonder how alike was he with Heather.

He tries to find some answers in my eyes, but instead he decides to look away.

–

I wanted to make this as natural as possible and it’s really hard not to rush things when you’re writing them. It’s just like watching a movie and wanting the pairing you like to just get it on. I hope you enjoyed it.

Offside. Chapter 17

Even if we started talking about exes, I couldn’t wait until I would be alone and I could think of the kiss on the hair properly and let those thoughts blossom, grow. I wanted to let those thoughts consume me as I would lay on my stomach, hugging my pillow and letting my mind progress to a place where I could see him properly kissing me too. I think of all of this during the pause, where Johnny is observing the lake.

“Can we row there now, in theory?” I’m a bit surprised, taken back, but I take his question.

“Yeah, of course.” I pause and Johnny looks at me pleadingly. “You mean now?”

I had rowed enough times without Steven, so that it would become routine instead of rowing for my previous boyfriend and now I would think of rowing when it’s nearly dark so that I would see the moon, so that I would see the first stars and nearly lose sight of the house, despite it’s brightly lit windows, reflecting wherever my parents were. It was odd that I would only reduce them to rooms, but then we all had many things to ponder about the other. I would catch myself thinking about odd discussions, where they would seem visibly upset about their only son being gay. I told them that most likely I would adopt regardless or if I happened to have a partner which could conceive, that would happen maybe, but it’s different from a parent’s eyes. It was briefly about what to tell everyone else since I had Steven. He had showed up to some family events as my plus one and it was met with hushed words as well as on his end.

His end was more harsh, a bit too upfront, specifically from his dad who had told him that he was an embarrassment rather than my own parents only hinting at that. But nevertheless his mother insisted on me coming, that I was a part of whatever kind of family they had going. I wonder if they actually divorced as it had smelt of it for a good while and Steven would speak on how much he himself would be happier if his parents had just went along with it.

“You know…” I trail off but catch myself. “Yeah, we can row now… But I’d rather just…”

I shrug.

“We can talk in the boat.” Johnny suggests. I wonder why is he so eager about the boat and it’s not as beautiful as one would imagine it to be, it’s no cartoon-like fairytale with singing sea animals and falling stars, it’s really just rural nature along with nearly still water.

“Sure.” I say, barely knowing how to refuse when he’s so eager about it and maybe he just wants some proper full fleshed privacy which we could only achieve by really being in the middle of the lake. We both turn around and go down the stairs which are filled with photos of me through the ages and of course there will never be a photo of me with a boyfriend. The closest I have to anything significant is standing in a full kit with a football, when I got in to the small club I am currently in now, which was one of the proudest days. No matter how shitty our club is, I’ve been in worse and this is the best I’ll get by just staying here. Johnny observes all the photos, a small smile starting to play on his lips, but he still makes his way down. We exit through the back door, avoiding all the cluttered area, but Johnny’s too excited so I just cut our way a bit and he doesn’t seem to mind all the mess.

We both avoid saying anything as we exit. He follows me and I make sure he is, even if it’s nothing hard to follow, which is a bit of a road to the right and through some trees. I stop for a brief moment, realizing that I had left my cigarettes in the backpack.

“I forgot my cigarettes.” I say a bit flatly and Johnny just goes ahead, seeing where the boat is and I look at him.

“Fuck it, be healthy for once, Robbie.” He grins back and waits for me. I join him up and start untying the boat. I do it faster than usual, because he’s so eager that he’s just rocking from front to back on his heels and I watch him, before I signal that we can both go into the boat. Johnny goes in instantly and I follow him, taking the paddles and not sure if he would now how to row properly.

“I can row this time, if you’d like.” I say and I have a vision of Steven for the first time since I had gone rowing without him, Steven had longer hair than Johnny and straight, he was very theatrical just like everything about him, he was a stereotype which people wouldn’t really talk about, not a jock. I take a while to say anything and just stare at Johnny, while he looks at the water and the surroundings, letting it all soak in.

It felt like rowing with Steven to the middle of the lake once again. It felt like an old love. I didn’t know where I wanted my mind to trail and I couldn’t help but continue the silence which Johnny started and think of my ex. It was all because I had taken someone else with me. I should’ve offered to row with Paul or Andy and leave the other cunt on the shore. I should’ve done something besides think of Steven all over. When I ended it, the feeling was far from over, I knew that we could’ve gone on somehow, that I could’ve forgiven or closed my eyes or opened the relationship, but it was the fact that he hadn’t told me that had driven me wild, to scream at him and then cry once I got back, midway back home. I didn’t cry after that, I just shut down and I let summer be the coldest I had felt in my life.

Even if we travelled I didn’t care, and just wanted back to my room. My parents didn’t know how to comfort me or speak of it, since they had heard that we broke up. My mom tried to comfort me, my dad tried to comfort me, both came to talk to me and stare at the old posters in the room, which I hadn’t taken down since I was a younger fella. They wouldn’t raise the topic right away, they would just ask me if there was anything on my mind. My mom put her hand on my shoulder, asking me about Steven after a long silence and saying that not everyone ended up with their high school sweethearts, that it was only normal. But I knew that the fact that I was dating a guy, made them confused on who should speak to me, so they both came. Mom also tried to get me into a holiday mood, but all I did was play Fifa and I would actually attempt to get some booze from the liquor drawers at night, when I wouldn’t be able to sleep so that I would stop feeling for a while. But mostly I just allowed the numbness to guide me.

I was surely glass eyed, like a doll. I couldn’t even comprehend how I had looked now. Developing a crush sometimes doesn’t erase the pain but just masks it, because a rebound does nothing.

“Do you think rebounds work?” I ask Johnny quietly, watching him notice how upset I seem, because by the end of the day we just want to be loved in a way or another. I don’t even register properly that I had spoken up. I feel like it yanks me out of my daze of missing Steven, which is new rather than lusting after the striker.

“I don’t think either of us should go for a rebound. I don’t think we’re ready.” Johnny turns to me fully and stops spinning around, watching everything from the boat as we keep getting closer to the midway. I knew that we would stop and I would just lazily keep rowing around and frankly I wouldn’t mind that.

“Speak for yourself, Johnny, I would love to be fucked.” I smirk, a bit too fake. But you gotta fake it until you make it. I happen to be lying to myself far too often, just to believe it and eventually I forget about my plan and start thinking things I shouldn’t even be thinking of in the first place, like places now which I had visited with Steven. But I’m not lying, I would love to be fucked into my goddamn mattress.

“Interesting, I never pictured you as a bottom. I guess I’d just be a top.” Johnny notes, what he thinks would be the truth.

“That’s what all straight guys say and then they get a dick up their ass and magically they change sides or halfway. But I guess you’d start with topping, to see what all the party is about.” I pause. “I’m versatile though.”

“Yeah, I can’t see you taking all the time.” Johnny swings it back to me. I laugh, slowly easing up instead of faking it and I’m sure he had noticed. I got told by Steven that I’m easier to read than a book.

“Amazing. You see me fucking someone?” I say and stop rowing, still holding to make sure that we don’t swim elsewhere with the little rowing boat.

“Yeah. I thought you were a top actually…” He drifts off, but decides to finish. “You seemed very assertive.”

“Yeah, well, I had to have some initiative.” I say and my heart acts way faster than my fucking brain catches up on. “But being a top doesn’t mean anything like that, you can lay on your back all the time, be bossed around and still be a top.”

“I guess I have plenty to learn.” Johnny smiles briefly, before looking around again, but I hope he won’t be quiet the whole time.

“I know you’re pretty used to everything by now, that it all seems dull, but it’s all really pretty. I keep staring at everything new.” He remarks and I am just happy that he is speaking instead of me thinking all over about Steven. It feels like he will never fully drift away from my thoughts, that he will always linger and be there, reminding that I had left the relationship. I always blame myself even if it was all him. I did the right thing, but that’s not something the heart listens to, is it? I loved him and that’s not easy to erase.

“Well, I see that’s pretty and unique, I guess, but I’m terribly tired of the scenery.” I saw and I row once to the left, because we’re drifting slightly, but not much. I pause and he looks at me, as if telling me to speak up, but I just avoid his gaze. “I don’t even like admitting it much… but I really wish things would change.”

I lean my head back and look at the cloudless sky for today.

“I don’t want to be stuck here forever, but the problem is that I have no idea where would I even go. Hell, I don’t even know what I would do.” It even feels heavy to say it and to open up to someone else, because Steven would hear such things while stroking my hair, as I would lay on my back, awake in the dark few hours of the night, allowing both of us to just stare at each other, barely seeing.

“How do you imagine yourself in ten years?” Johnny asks suddenly.

“Probably you still being my friend or whatever, in jail for throwing Andy and Paul down the well. You would send me cards and come visit me.” I look at him, not at the sky. “Probably had an affair already.”

He motions for me to leave with my bullshit and I just laugh. Maybe he’ll crack or I will, but someone will surely get tired of this tug of war, the problem is that I don’t know if we will remain friends or become lovers? My thoughts are a mess about Johnny. I am a terrible mess about feelings apparently, because once they started sprouting with Steven, they never stopped, love and hate intertwined. But I can’t say that I hate Johnny in any way. Now, Steven is a completely different story.

“You think we’d have an affair?” I can’t look at him as he says it, so I instead look at the water, nearly falling down, so Johnny gently shoves me and I push him back. The boat moves from side to side, so we remain still and close.

“Sure.” I shrug, turning to him.

Johnny smiles briefly and looks at the water himself. I put an arm around him. Maybe we’re not ready to discuss our past.

“You’ll be alright.” I say.

“I’ll be fucking better than Ronaldo and Messi combined.” He notes and I just start laughing, but I manage to speak up.

“You’re not a fucking winger. Say something like Lewandowski or Benzema.” I say through breaks of laughter, while Johnny looks dead serious somehow. Talk about his football self esteem, but then he doesn’t seem to be struggling about that like the rest of the world which is fucking suicidal, which is fucking self harming just because they won’t look good on a selfie. Never got the appeal, because I would just not look good enough or I would notice a bad angle later. All I’ve got is a few ones for Grindr which look as flattering as I could ever look.

“Yeah, but they’re not as good. I want the following as well. And the way Cristiano Ronaldo is playing is like a striker anyway. He’s not a winger anymore.” Johnny exclaims and I just roll my eyes at him, my hand still around his shoulders and we sit on the middle of the boat, so that we don’t really fall anywhere and have a homoerotic moment like Pocahontas could’ve had.

“He’s a winger, Johnny. Get off your high horse and become a second rate Morata.” I suggest him and pull him closer, as he smirks, but is still dead serious, like he always is about football.

“He’s got a following of girls. That counts. But he’s alright. There’s better.” Johnny mops around, that I’m not exactly glossing all his abilities, because neither of us are that great and I don’t like giving people too much false hope, specifically when Johnny has so much.

“So you want to play like Morata and have the following of James Rodriguez or something? How about you just become a bad knock off of James? You’ve got the face for it.” I say and hold myself from squeezing his cheeks. Johnny turns to glare at me and I just squeeze him with my arm. I realize something. “I’ll get jealous from all the attention you’re getting.”

“Fucking hell, live a little.” He tries to mock a serious face, but then loses it. “I’m not the cheating type anyway.”

I smile a bit sour, recalling my ex.

“Good to know.” Johnny ruffles my hair fast. “So it’s settled, we’ll have an affair and you won’t hide me from the press?”

“I’ll show all my love on camera and leak a sex tape of you riding me like an animal.” The image is way too graphic and tempting, but I ignore my urges from literally going into his pants.

–

A big chunk of the story is dedicated to not knowing your future, what you’re doing and what’s really the point. I touched it briefly in the beginning, but as time goes Robbie keeps thinking about it and it becomes a major theme, while I felt alienated from at first when I was writing the first chapter. Everything seemed concrete in my life and I seemed to know what I was doing, but now I relate more and more to Robbie as I write the next chapters (I’m a lot further down).

Offside. Chapter 16

I had all summer to try and get over Steven with these ideas. There were days when I was over, but I just had this longing for something else or someone else, I was ready to move on. But to whom? There was no one and there was no point in trying online dating, since I had once me and Steven broke up. It was hard and I kept wondering who the fuck was I really missing then? Maybe there was something about missing someone who would just come into my life softly and would fall in love with me, stay faithful. But just like you can never guess what awaits one in life, I couldn’t guess that I would…

Start liking some kid who is straight. I kept staring at Johnny, while we waited for the bus. Maybe I should just get over him and start sulking about being alone and miserable again? I knew that Johnny would never tell me that, on the opposite he would tell me that I should be chin up, probably? Well, that’s what he said previously. He wanted me to find someone else and he was sure that I would. But would I really? My body ached from loneliness on the love front, because this was my first proper break up and I was a terrible late bloomer. It took me a while to figure out my sexuality until the wrong man came along.

“Bus.” Johnny says, I didn’t even realized that I spaced out and he just kept watching out for the bus, while I was left alone with my thoughts. I didn’t know how could I even speak to him about it? Hey, Johnny, you broke my heart without any proper feelings, but you still made me lonely. You still hurt me and now please help me get over it. I could never say that. But then we had both manoeuvred talking about our exes, maybe it was high time, because I was sure that Johnny still ached. But how can I say that today of all days I was missing Steven? It wasn’t any anniversary or anything, it was just another day to be miserable. My mood was terribly decreasing as we waited for our turn quietly to pay the ticket and get inside.

It was far more crowded than usual, so Johnny started checking his phone for notifications, as other people were loudly discussing their own day. I wondered how come there were so many people, maybe there was a party of sorts? But I barely recognized the other faces. I didn’t bother looking further and just closing my eyes for a brief while, listening to all the distinct voices while Johnny was busy with social media. I wonder if he even pictured himself having millions of Twitter followers and misspelling common words, just to feed into the stereotype that some of us were really fucking dumb.

I don’t even notice that I had dazed off and as soon as we are on the road, Johnny wakes me up.

“I kind of have no idea where you live, Robbie.” He smirks, poking my shoulder. “Need you to be awake.”

I just nod sleepily and stop slouching, straightening my back and stretching my arms in front of me. I look out of the window. We’re still a drive away, but I don’t want to oversleep my stop either, so I try my best to stay awake from now on. The bus drive is a brief torture, so I take out my own phone to see some messages from Paul. He asks me if I’m alright, to which I quickly reply that I am and he never gets back to me after that.

Maybe he got surprised that we had left so early without eating pizza or even hanging out with them. Well, I can understand the surprise and whatnot. Johnny looks at me, all curious since the notification was loud enough for the bus to hear, I had forgotten to put it on vibrate and it’s not like I had a bunch of texts to boast about.

“What’s up?” He ends up saying out loud, far too curious.

“Just got a weird text from Paul, asking if I’m alright and I’m left on read. Bizarre, maybe Andy is sucking him off, so he got…” Yawn. “Distracted or something.”

“Possibly.” Johnny smirks. “I mean, yeah, they’re very close friends, but they couldn’t really be sucking each other off…”

I give him a weird look, I guess, but he assumes too much.

“They cold be full blown fucking. I guess, I need to get use to all your mutual mocking.” Johnny says.

“And that is an image I really don’t want to see. They’re both ugly as hell. I never liked any of them for more than friends. Ew. Not interested in what happens or the threesomes they’re rumoured to do whenever one gets some girl. Well, everyone speculates that it’s quite involved. Because there’s a girl, it’s not queer. So who knows what really goes on. Rumours can stretch and lie.”

It’s as if Johnny feels that there is a story to it. It’s odd knowing or feeling that he could just crack me open, crack my ribs open and see me all inside. But maybe he doesn’t and it’s all in my head.

“Yeah, rumours can be hurtful. I didn’t get to be harmed by them much. At least not in the beginning. I just wouldn’t care, besides one time.” He leans his head back. “It was all small banter or people speculated a lot where I would be moving and eventually it was guessed before I could even open my mouth.” He taps his knee. “Heather heard it before I wanted her to, because I just had a bad gut feeling about it. I wanted it to come from me, not from my best mate who decided to do me a favor… Maybe things would have been different, you know?”

“Maybe.” I echo back what Johnny really wants to hear. Johnny just looks at me, hopefully that somehow it would all turn around and I would manage somehow to bring his loved Heather. I wondered how she was and how much did Johnny think of her. “But it could have all just lead to the same result.”

I don’t add more, not sure if I had even done some damage, which I was far from wanting to do to my fellow football player. But it ends up to be our stop and I apologize quickly to Johnny, as we make our way outside. It’s all the same with the mail box and the route back to the big house, and the trash can as well. There’s not that many trees by the way that we have to go. Johnny seems to be thinking a lot, but I know that our topic and our wounds need to be stitched but we need to put some medicine before we sew them on raw skin and close them up.

“I know.” He opens the topic and smiles at me very quietly, sadly and looks down as we walk to the house. It’s seen soon enough, but Johnny doesn’t ask why it’s rather far away from the road, unlike his which is rather closer. But then they bought or rented the house with its location, while mine was built ages ago and just to be close to the lake, really. “But… you can’t help but wonder what the hell could you have done to prevent it, you know?”

“Of course.” I nod. “I always wonder what if Steven never cheated… But.”

I laugh a bit darkly.

“It’s all on him. My point is… it’s not your fault, which has led me to believe after figuring this out for months. It’s really not your fault that someone fucked up, no matter how much love you’ve given them.” Johnny stares at me wide eyed as I say it, as if I had revealed to him the secret of life, why were we all born and all of our purposes in life. “She… left you. Not because of you. But because it was her all along.”

I pat the shorts, before recalling that I had put the cigarettes back to my backpack. I take out the box and take one with my mouth, while stretching the rest to Johnny. My friend? I guess. We’ve been rather close recently.

“But honestly man, you gotta stop blaming yourself for what your ex girlfriend did.” I light both of our cigarettes, as we pause and I can hear a fucking bird already reminding us that summer is fleeting.

“It’s… more easy to say than do, really.” Johnny sighs. He looks around. “Do you ever just sit here in the field?”

“Yeah, of course. When I’m too tired to show up to my parents even if we’re distant and they never push it. What you want to sit down? We’re nearly in my room and I can sneak some beers or something.” I offer and Johnny just nods at my suggestion. “I think after I broke up with Steven, I just sat down and cried for a damn good manly while.”

I look around.

“Somewhere around here.” I say pointing to the left, which is frankly next to nothing and neatly trimmed grass. Johnny just follows my finger curiously and nods, as if there would be something enough for him to comment on, but there really isn’t.

“I just… got sad, I guess.” He says and I throw an arm around him, to which he turns his head to me. For a brief second he looks deeply into my eyes, before just looking down and inhaling the cigarette. I want to kiss him. My heart feels heavier, but I do nothing. I do nothing with the hair in his eyes and I don’t dare to touch it.

Johnny looks at me again and I just hold my silence, watching how the fuck would all of this unravel with all the anxiety which keeps mixing with adrenaline, even if I know that nothing would fucking happen. I was too anxious to keep track and I knew that this wouldn’t ever be the moment, if it ever were to happen, but I couldn’t help but look at him back. I wanted both of us to find solace somehow in each other, but I knew that Johnny’s thoughts were different entirely. I took the cigarette myself and inhaled, but I kept my eyes on him, both of us only having breaks with small blinks. He didn’t seem to dare to break the moment either. But we just held our distance with my arm around him.

“Robbie.” He says, looking back down.

“Johnny.” I mock him as he breathed out, not holding and frankly maybe it’s for the best. Johnny looks back up at me, I see thankful and he throws an arm back to be around my shoulders. He ruffles my hair out of place and I’m not sure what else he had done, because it’s quickly gone and he’s away from my hair.

“I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about Heather, thank you.” Johnny says. “And I’m not sure about anyone wanting to hear me mop around about it.”

“Johnny-”

“Don’t think about it.” He shrugs and then he drops the fact that he had kissed my hair briefly. It feels like another first kiss and apparently I’ll keep having these moments with him, these firsts which always seem to be strung with first feelings, like snapshots of what he’s really feeling. My heart starts racing as he slowly starts walking and drops the hand eventually and I follow. “I mean it, thank you and… just thanks, for listening and for the listening you might do.”

“I’m always happy to listen.” I bite the bait and Johnny eases. What if he’s doing all of this to keep me as a friend? Just these minor things to keep us both entertained? What if this is his way of paying me back somehow? What if he thinks that’s all I’ll ever want. I can barely breathe now.

“You- you don’t have to do it, if you don’t want to.” We’re both finishing our cigarettes and we discard them in the bin next to the bench right besides the house. I know that my parents won’t really go outside to bother us, but if there is a window open, they would gladly listen and gossip about it. I check to make sure the window is closed. I look back at Johnny, maybe they went upstairs or for a brief walk, that could be the case.

“Excuse me?” Johnny asks. I just shrug, as if it’s no big deal.

It should be a big deal, but I can’t make it such, sadly.

I point to my hair. Johnny’s face sinks slightly, maybe he thought that I wouldn’t notice or that I would ignore it, that all these handjobs under the table would never be noticed. Johnny takes a very long breath in.

“Look, I did it as a friendly gesture. Sure, it’s more… touchy feely. But that’s just how I felt like around you.” Then he changes tone. “If it makes you uncomfortable, that’s alright.”

“No, no.” I shake my head. “On the opposite-”

“If you think it hits too close to home-”

“Johnny, fuck’s sake, it’s nice.” He bites his lips at my words as I say it out loud. Johnny just stares at me and he tries to look away, but doesn’t eventually.

“Alright.” I get scared that now he would never do it again are my thoughts while he says it. He looks away though. “It’s just that… I just do it because I know you won’t mind, that’s all. That’s how badly I can word it.”

“Okay.” I hold a long pause, where Johnny looks back at me desperately. I even lost my trail of thought during the huge pause. “Just know that I don’t mind.”

I leave it at that and Johnny turns towards the house, well, we both do, desperate to get out of a discussion which could easily hurt us both far too much and hit too close to home. My parents do end up being home, but in the kitchen, drinking tea. I wave at them and introduce Johnny. It doesn’t take long and soon enough we’re upstairs and Johnny gets glued to the window.

“Do you ever row there?” He asks, looking away at the pond.

“Yeah, I do, but Steven liked it a lot.” Realizing that we’re opening the topic once more without realizing it. Johnny looks at me understandingly and just stares at the lake, before reopening our wounds for another time.

–

I really miss summer and going over this chapter, which is still all about it, makes me feel a bit sad. It’s not exactly autumn with the weather where I am, but it’s autumn full force in studying and everything. I’ve been writing ahead by many chapters, so it’s been rather fun and actually matching the seasons with my mood.

I hope you enjoyed it!

Offside. Chapter 15

After that we make our way to the football pitch. I do get a bit scared, I always do but it’s only until I start playing, then all my feelings go out of the window and I just concentrate. I get more relaxed and it’s something I know how to do, at least. I’ve been always a central midfielder and never really bothered to change it much. I’m confident that Johnny had always tried to be a striker anyway, or at least whined about not getting the position or complained about being a winger. I could see him pout about it.

We don’t talk much and neither does anyone besides Paul and Andy, who apparently scored and one kept filling in on the other with rather explicit details which you could frankly jerk off to if you were into that, causing the coach to tell them to shut the fuck up and concentrate before the game.

“Hey, Robbie, how come you didn’t let me know about those Brazilian football players which jerked each other off in the dressing room of their club? Did you watch the tape?” The other Robbie asks me and I snort, thinking of the video and at the same time wishing I would be left alone. Johnny just sits besides me and turns towards the conversation.

“I’m pretty sure you jerked off to it.” I say, waiting for the time to come.

“Nah, I just kept thinking of you, sweetheart.” He says and throws me a kiss. I roll my eyes at him and Johnny seems to be concerned and just takes a sip from his water bottle. I feel a bit flattered, but I am terribly used to the banter even if sometimes it manages to stick a needle under my skin and hurt me somehow. “But on all honesty, what the fuck were those morons thinking? I heard they got happy when they were caught, like this isn’t the back of a gay bar?”

“I’m pretty sure there’s far more going on in the back of a gay bar.” I smirk and it’s time. The coach and everyone wish each other luck before we enter the field.

As we wait for the coin to be tossed, we all form our positions regardless and Johnny turns around to see me behind him and he just grins. I’m sure the cocky fuck would have enjoyed being captain, but it’s not him. I wonder if he would try to get up the ranks later, just for his own football confidence.

We get the ball.

Johnny passes it behind and the game begins, as everyone runs forwards. We get the ball taken away from us pretty fast, as Johnny had tried to dribble past three defenders and of course one of them caught it. If I could stop time I would curse at him, but I don’t because that power is beyond me. We don’t get much action done and for once, our defence isn’t as bad and somehow we hold it up, but that doesn’t stop the other team’s defence from playing just as… good? I don’t like using the word for a team as mediocre as ours, but the other team isn’t as good either with their bright purple shirts. They look like massive eggplants running towards me.

But we look like squashed, stretched oranges. So who’s the real winner here?

I honestly don’t even know where to go from here. We get a goal scored against us right before the end of the first half and after a few minutes of us frantically trying to attack and Johnny making his first, rather, second pass in the entire game to me because I happen to be behind him again. I end up getting tackled and I trip, because well, it aches and it comes from a direction which I wasn’t looking at.

The big eggplant gets a yellow card and mouths a ‘fucker’ to me. At least it wasn’t faggot or anything. In the end I’ll have to walk it off or sit it out, as the whistle blows. We all go to our separate corners to complain, as if we are children in kindergarten. I smile at Johnny, as he hands me his water before I even reach for my own. Andy and Paul proceed to talk about banging the girl and I’m not even sure anymore who banged her or if it was some threesome I’m missing out the details on. But I can’t say I care and they don’t really approach me or Johnny until a few minutes.

“Hey, lovebirds. Even your names sound like some gay Teletubbies shit.” Andy says and Paul laughs. I’m guessing Johnny glared and I just narrowed my eyes at them, drinking water now from my bottle, feeling bad for drinking Johnny’s and I had drank a fair amount without realizing it.

“Better than some sleazy hook up you’re describing. You’re so fucking identical I don’t even know who fucked her, maybe it’s all a metaphor for you two finally bonding and engaging in some long-needed friendship macho release.” I smirk and I stand up, to make sure I can still walk with my legs.

“Ha ha.” Paul says. I can walk apparently. Johnny seems to be on standby to say something back, but he doesn’t have to, so he eases and leans against the fence, only to sit back straight from the fact that it doesn’t hold up too well.

“Maybe let’s talk about something about football? Motivation?” Johnny suggests so that we stop doing some petty fighting.

“You mean soccer?” Paul says with a cocky face and mocking Johnny.

“I have never fucking called it soccer. Just because I’m American that doesn’t mean that I’m shit at it.” I hold my tongue because he’s my friend and I take a mouthful of water, I would never tell him he’s rubbish now unless he would ask me that.

“You keep dribbling instead of fucking passing.” Paul whines, rubbing his eyes.

“Because everyone else sucks.” Johnny notes his point of view to everyone.

“You passed to me.” I note. “One pass.”

I’m not really adding much to the cause, but Johnny points to me as evidence. I just widen my eyes and nod, as if confirming my own point.

“Whatever. You only trust Robbie ’cause he sucks you off.” Paul says and Andy high fives him for the joke. Johnny raises an eyebrow and drinks from his water fast, thinking of a come back.

“Nothing bad with some friendly bonding, which you lads are very aware of. Since I can’t even imagine what you do when you’re alone. Describing how you screw in detail. Man, now that’s homosexual. Can’t wait for my first gay wedding. I hope I get to be best man.”

Our burns are slowly decreasing and we all lose interest, drinking some more water and about to return to the game. I feel more tired than usual and once we resume, my legs start aching, so all the options I have is to just run it off unfortunately. My right leg is specifically the one which is killing me.

The first half was less exciting than the second, as we manage to score a goal, after all of Johnny’s terrible dribbles, he seems to have taken his criticism and actually passes it around this time and scores eventually. I am not the first to approach him, but he pulls me in to a quick hug. We break it off, as soon as everyone else approaches him and ruffles his hair or high fives or anything else.

After that, maybe we’re all terribly tired, maybe it’s no one’s day after all but it ends in an exciting 1-1.

My whole body aches, as everyone just changes their footwear into something else and some guys change shirts, exposing themselves but I’m not ripped enough, just in good physical shape, so I never really do that and even among football players, I’ve seen far more ripped guys in pornos and Grindr. Johnny swings an arm around me and I finish all of my water bottle.

“Jesus, you need more?”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Good game though, you scored a good goal.” Johnny smiles at me and I feel far too much than I would enjoy feeling and we don’t see each other every day, I wouldn’t want to start thinking about how much I would dread those days. I don’t even want to miss him even briefly, I don’t want to put Johnny to do anything which he wouldn’t want to do. Which is clearly getting close to me on another level.

“Why, thank you.” And he looks at me in the eyes and for a moment I hold the water bottle too harshly as he looks at me with his dark eyes. “I told you I was good.”

And he breaks the moment and I smirk, looking away, as he ruffles my hair again and I wish I could ease to his touch. I wouldn’t mind even having sex with him like this, post-match and all sweaty. I’ve seen plenty pornos where guys do it after the gym, why after football would be so much different? I think of him on top of me, biting my neck and just fucking me on either of our beds, fucking me into the damned mattress. I snap out of it, just so that I don’t get a very visible boner since I’m in full gear right now.

I still can’t really let my thoughts settle, because I would be lying if I said that he hasn’t eased my loneliness by a small margin. I want to invite him over, but my parents would be scattered around the house or just sitting watching telly in the living room, not really saying much, maybe spread some gossip or ask me if he’s my boyfriend. Would that be wise? But then I had told them that I went to Johnny’s earlier. Sure, they didn’t see all the texts I had sent, but that didn’t really erase the fact that they knew that I was talking to another boy. How long would it be until the rumors would reach Johnny’s parents then? How would they react?

I didn’t want to think of it further and we walked away from the football pitch enough for me to get out a pack of cigarettes, since I was more than aware of the fact that the coach didn’t enjoy us smoking.

We discussed the game over cigarettes and sitting on a bench.

How could I even ask him to come over to mine? Of course I had a bunch of things which were making me wish things were different, but hopefully my desire would run its course and that it would be replaced by a proper friendship which I haven’t had in a good while, maybe with Paul and Andy as we were children or other guys whose names had started to fade in my memory. I was never really too friendly with girls, because I didn’t understand much what was I supposed to find attractive. Sure, I had tried, but it was brief and something that I would just get red in the face for recalling late at night, when one can’t sleep and every embarrassing memory surfaces to keep feeding the insomnia.

I watched him inhale, as he just nodded at me, as if asking what’s up.

“You want to go to my place?” There is a brief silence before I kill it with my awkwardness, but as soon as I open my mouth, Johnny cuts me off.

“Sure. It’s not like there’s much to do here anyway.” He smirks and gets his curls out of his eyes. I wonder how blind he is to me or if he’s that desperate to just make friends which will continue somehow through the course of life, because if you try a lot, one is bound to just go through, right?

I try not to smile at how blind he is, but maybe it’s for the best of the both of us. After all, maybe we just shouldn’t get together, whatever holds in store or whatever just doesn’t align. I don’t exactly know his beliefs or what exactly he thinks of. I wonder if I should push it and ask him if he even wants to sleep over, but maybe that’s something he is pretty scared of. Maybe he just doesn’t want to push it until he’s fully immune.

We keep discussing the match a while still and Johnny confirms all the upcoming matches with me, as well as everyone’s names and he doesn’t seem to be struggling to remember everyone now, but that could just be observation and maybe that’s why he doesn’t pass, because he could still screw it up? I think far too much. We mock each other on the bus stop at our game performance and I’m not sure if I should offer him sleeping over. After all, it’s not like I’ll be able to sneak in much alcohol since my parents would be home and they would keep an eye on the booze drawer and the kitchen overall. So we won’t really be past the point of no travelling return.

I don’t think I had felt attracted and constrained at the same time in my life before. With Steven it was terribly straightforward with him hitting on me, how we had started hanging out more and more. How he had done the first move, when I had already doubted my sexuality for being around with him for so long. I knew he was bisexual and I wasn’t a fool, when Paul had told me that Steven was surely eyeing for something else other than friends. I just didn’t tell Paul that I felt the same way, but I told Steven eventually. We kept each other for a secret, because I wasn’t ready to just go all out about it and eventually my mom caught us. That was it.

Steven was different and now looking back, I wonder how similar we were and what had we found in each other? But then, maybe it was the fact that we were so different that attracted both of us in the first place and we knew how to have a good time, not just sex or making out. Steven was funny, he was far more outgoing and he would force me to do things and we would often row to the middle of the lake, because he said it relaxed him. Once we even blew each other there, intoxicated slightly and after smoking, so it wasn’t like I held dick in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

–

I don’t think I’ll ever get over the video of the Brazilian football player which jerked off two fellow players! Had to insert that for a brief cameo. The video is out there but it’s more funny than… porn with the guy’s face and all.

Inspiration can come from the weirdest places.