I don’t know why the rest of the week passes in a blur, the days crawling slow with no attachment or memories, other than discussing what the fuck to dress up as with Steven because going together, even if I won’t say couple to myself, still meant a couple costume. I made him smile, saying that we should coordinate our outfits once more. I knew that he loved me, as he kissed me after my suggestion. I just didn’t know where had my feelings gone and why hadn’t they come back. Also if they were lost in the first place.
I had no doubts that I had loved Steven earlier, but somehow the love went somewhere. I enjoyed his company and I felt much better with him, but it still was far from mending my problems with mental health. Maybe it was all because I was at the dawn of being a teenager? Was it all the hormones? Now I had days where I didn’t want to kill myself and it didn’t spill as much onto schoolwork. Steven now helped me with the classes once again. He used to that back when we dated, so maybe I wasn’t understanding the subjects because I didn’t have someone to revise them with, and I didn’t like studying alone. Being depressed just made the reason to not study more tempting.
But should I simply settle? Was being with Steven settling? With the weekend rolling in, I couldn’t find the energy to care about anything on Friday. Me and Steven hung out a lot, because he missed me over the summer, I didn’t like being left alone and frankly when you’re depressed that is the last thing you should be doing. It’s not like we didn’t need to prepare for the Halloween too. We went to mine’s and decided to see what I had before going to the bigger city nearby and buying supplies. We finished early too.
“We slacked off, Robbie. You just keep refusing all my ideas.” He says, holding a laugh since we’ve been talking about this all week and we still haven’t come to some conclusion.
“Likewise, Steven.” I say as I lay face down on the bed, Steven sitting on the rug with a notebook in front of him, writing down all the ideas but frankly we’re out of them. Was I still heavily depressed and was I hiding it well enough from everyone and myself, I suppose. Steven just told me to watch after myself, not push it and I refused to tell my parents. But I was getting better, whether I was faking it or not. I turn my head to face him and he smiles at me. I felt as if we were the it’s complicated Facebook status, we were the poster boys of it for sure. Maybe today was just a good day. I could have those. I think everyone deserves one of those for a while, maybe because I pushed the course work behind.
“We could be Victoria and David Beckham.” Steven says out of the blue.
“Is that the last time you watched football?” I smirk and him and throw a pillow towards him, which he throws directly at my head afterwards.
“Ha ha. I watch football because of you sometimes. You always get adorable when you watch it.” Steven grins at me. “But on a serious note, I can do Victoria with drag. We’ll need some wigs though. It’s not like I shy away from drag, anyway. I’m bad with doing the brows though. Might have to keep my natural ones, keep it more… natural.”
“Drag… natural.” I laugh out loud, but it still feels a bit forced. But I’m surely getting there somehow. I’m getting better. I’m getting better. “And with Victoria Beckham.”
“She’s got more personality than the other football wives. I mean… who else can we even go as?” He sulks at me declining his brilliant idea. Well, it’s surely the best he’s suggested. I just shrug at his question. At this rate I could be asking on the football reddit or something. I have no idea. We’ve also googled different couple costume ideas both straight and gay. Nothing caught mine or Steven’s eye either. He’s suggested drag earlier as well. But I wasn’t too keen on doing it, at least as much as Steven was. I used to be his guinea pig for trying out drag on someone else, but even then he wouldn’t get my eyebrows right. So eyebrows were a tough spot for him, whether they were his own or someone else’s.
“Why couldn’t Andy set a theme?” Steven whines, still sad that I’ve turned down his offer to go in drag. I just shrug, nearly rolling off the bed. Steven stands up and goes towards me, sitting close. I put my arms around him. I look at him.
“You really want to be Posh Spice, don’t you?” I ask him as he leans down and kisses me.
“Yeah.” He gives out a small pleased smile that I’ve realized his deepest desires. I look at him carefully.
“Fine. But we’re not fucking as David and Victoria, that will never keep my cock up.” I smirk.
We do go to get the wigs and then Steven shops around for some dress, he has some heels at home. We get some weird looks, because Halloween passed already, but hell, who cares? I have no idea how to even properly choose dresses, but I’ve helped Steven in the past before and he always claimed that I was helpful. I wonder what monstrosity will Andy and Paul wear. Will they coordinate like every year as well? Then I wonder what would Johnny wear and I wish we would run into each other somehow. I really do want to run into him.
I just want to see some emotions and see what they would be. Of course I want to see some leftovers of summer in his eyes.
I want him to come back.
But would I manage that? Would I survive until then or do we have to be immortal and bored to forgive? Have I forgiven him?
I haven’t, but I was desperate to talk to him again. Steven was great, but I was still hurt and I didn’t know how we would move on. I felt like two guys hurting me was one too many.
What if I just had bad taste in men?
In the end I had to help Steven with his eye shadow about three times, because he kept saying that it wasn’t Victoria enough and neither of us seemed to get it. It didn’t matter how many times we would re-watch a YouTube tutorial, we were still missing it. But we were running late and Steven’s mom agreed to drive us there, since we were already a bit more than fashionably late. She took a photo of both of us, me with my ridiculous blonde wig and suit while Steven walked confidently in his heels and beige dress with an expressionless face, besides laughing out loud when he would see a photo or his reflection in the mirror.
We arrived and politely said bye to Steven’s mom, everyone inside already. Andy still opened the door for us, while fixing his fake fangs. I looked at his outfit from head to toe, which was a zombie… chav with vampire teeth? His tracksuit was the thing which stood out the most against his green skin.
“Andy, since when do zombies have fangs?”
“I’m an upgraded zombie. I fucking suck blood, you wanker. I’m like bacteria, I’ve evolved to fight you cunts.” And he flips me off with both hands, before allowing us to go in.
“Nice dress, Steven. Who the fuck are you supposed to be?” I roll my eyes at Andy, as I see Matt squeeze past us to go outside for a cigarette. Is Johnny here? My chest tightens again from the thought and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think of who he would be dressed up as.
“I’m Victoria Beckham and this is my husband-” Steven starts but Andy rudely cuts him off, as usual.
“Vintage. Couldn’t you be Zlatan and his cougar or something?” Andy notes.
“She’s far too ugly. And it’s easier to be Becks and Posh Spice, I think.” I say and shrug to which my friend nods.
“Anyway, enjoy the party you bunch of queers.” And we head inside, Andy surely overdid the decorations with the cobwebs and I recall seeing a sale in the supermarket for them. Everything is covered in tiny spiders with the fake cotton. There are some Halloween foods scattered everywhere and people are eating. There isn’t that many people, but enough for me to be confused who is who and some faces which I don’t recognize. Me and Steven make our way to the booze table far too early, but then it’s never early to get wasted at a shit party. Steven eventually starts talking to some girl, whose mom is a friend of his mom’s. But I forgot her name.
I excuse myself, because I had forgotten to go to the bathroom before we left. I make my way upstairs, I’m sure the bottom floor is filled with puke already or is full. I still have to wait with a massive spider hanging on the door knob. Paul passes past me, wearing the exact identical outfit as Andy, to which I give him a thumbs up.
Then he remembers something and comes back up to me.
“Hey… You alright?” He asks as he takes off his killer zombie vampire teeth. I look around, to make sure the question isn’t addressed to someone else, because it’s a bizarre way to start a conversation with someone who you haven’t really been in touch with.
“I’m fine. Nice party.” Paul smiles at my compliment, but he looks just as worried.
“So… you and Steven back together, then?” I feel a bit taken back, because he’s surely seen me and Steven after practice and it’s not like we were hiding that something was going on between us once more, it’s just that I wasn’t classifying it, but everyone else seemed to.
I cross my arms, feeling insecure, which causes Paul to tense up.
“I didn’t mean that… I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all man. I know that Andy was friends with Steven over the summer, but… he’s just not the right type for you.” He sighs. I shrug.
“And who the fuck is then, Paul? Johnny?” I say nearly through grit teeth, but I manage to hold a smile and try to play it off as a joke. I still haven’t seen Johnny. I was getting a bit worried that I had no idea who he dressed up as and that he was nowhere to be seen. I wanted to see him and simply believe in something impossible. He was a slow poison and somehow, I was getting dragged in today.
“Well…” Paul pauses and then we both make way for the bathroom door to open. A guy dressed up in a cowboy outfit goes out, squeezing past us. No… a Woody costume. I look up to see his face and dark eyes look back at me. I can feel my face go pale.
“Hey, Johnny, nice costume.” Paul says just as Johnny is about to leave us, he ponders for a bit and turns around.
“Thanks, man.” And just like I did before, he looks at Paul from head to toe. “Are you also in Andy’ weird zombie vampire idea?”
“Yup.” Paul grins proudly, but I can see that he’s deeply uncomfortable like I am that most likely Johnny heard the end of the conversation. We both look at each other, possibly Paul asking me for forgiveness with a brief look. Then Johnny looks at me.
“Are you supposed to be David Beckham?” Johnny grins, walking a bit closer to us and takes in my costume. I smile slightly and nod.
“Steven is Victoria Beckham.” I say, not really knowing why I’m saying this to which Paul looks away and Johnny just nods, trying to wonder if he should butt in with his own concerns, but he seems to be keeping everything to himself, at least so far and not like Paul.
“I’m sure I’ll bump into him later, then.” Johnny nods again, not sure where to position himself. It’s a very awkward conversation and the worst is that I never heard Paul’s reply, so it’s all hanging in the air. “So…”
I look at him, waiting for him to say whatever he’s planning to say.
“You guys are back together then… You and Steven.”
“Yeah. I mean, no.” Johnny looks at me and my words confused. “I mean…”
Paul looks interested at me. I’ve dug out my own grave.
“We’re… it’s complicated.” I say. Paul looks at Johnny and they both exchange some knowing look. All of a sudden I wish I had dug out my own grave and stuck myself in it with a cigarette, smoking it as Johnny and Paul cover my feet in ground. I’d have enough time for one last cigarette, I hope. But then that one cigarette won’t matter when I’m dead and my last view is ground covering my eyes. I bite my lower lip and nod a few times. Johnny looks at me concerned. Why is everyone acting as if it’s just started to happen?
This is actually the second to last chapter, I peeked further and decided that the last chapter will have over 3k. So it’s going to be quite intense and filled to the brim with everything going on!
I always get sad posting this story and now with the World Cup going on, it’s even sadder because I can’t help but miss writing it and wondering what would all of them think, who would they root for and what shenanigans would’ve gone on.
I really love this story with all my heart and yeah.