Offside. Chapter 14

“By the way, if anything, just message me. I know that Paul and Andy are insensitive assholes. I want you to have a good night and if that doesn’t happen, just tell me.” I smiled as he said it and nodded, even if it was pretty dark and the only light was from the house and the moon. Of course I wanted to kiss him now, slowly, feeling every bit of his lips, but I didn’t do that. I knew that when I’d be depressed that I’d start thinking that he could just fall in love with me through being friends. I hoped for that greatly.

I regretted not asking him more, but all we did was talk briefly of music and Johnny just quietly said that his ex had a better music taste than he could ever aspire to. I had also thought of his acoustic guitar, softly pressed against the wall. I thought of that a lot when I was on the bus, recalling Steven briefly, that he had some questionable bands sometimes, but that had been it really. I nearly fell asleep on the bus, thankfully not missing my stop and stopping at the right moment. But I thought of if I could be his ex someday and how would I be looking back at him, if I would ever think of him and I wondered that on the way home, muttering a quick hello and that I had eaten to my parents.

Lying on the bed made me think why didn’t he ask me to stay over, but then that would’ve probably meant that we would be pushing it. Maybe he was scared that I would kiss him in his sleep? I honestly had no idea. I didn’t text him, because I didn’t actually feel bad, I just had a lot to think about myself, but then I didn’t push it. I just browsed online for a good while and even if I felt horny, I was terrified of touching myself to him, so I didn’t. I played too much Fifa with him, so I didn’t bother to see who else would play Messi or Ronaldo just to spite me. Maybe that was something which I would only allow Johnny to do. I sure did like him and that was visible and I couldn’t deny myself that. Before I headed to bed I just watched some football shows, not really letting my mind focus and wishing I had snuck a beer from the fridge, but I was left still asking myself if I would be okay with a good friend. Maybe I would.

Johnny did end up texting me though. I took a damn while to reply, because I was in bed and I stared at the screen, making sure that I wouldn’t leave him on read. I just thanked him for the day and I dreamt of him, rather desperately and having the kiss replay in my mind when I would wake up in the night for water or any other reason people wake up for, which includes heartbreak, no matter how small the denial was.

After his text, I didn’t manage to sleep well the next night, so I started touching myself, trying to drift as far as possible from imagining him on top of me, it was dark and I had closed the curtains to neglect the sun’s last offer of the last days of summer. I could see him. He was kissing my neck, thrusting, holding me-

I spilled way too early. I put a hand over my mouth, biting my lips and my whole body jerking. I just wish there was something I could do and the overwhelming sadness just went to caress my body, as the thoughts came and stayed until I was asleep and after that I just recalled how boring the day was, focusing on yesterday’s text while playing Fifa and kicking the ball outside the house out of boredom. I also briefly texted Johnny as we discussed some bad matches which were going on the day which we couldn’t care about. It was all friendly.

I wanted to cry, I was on a rollercoaster of emotion and I was having a terrible night.

My dreams were getting to be bizarre with labyrinths and Johnny’s hair was shorter, the curls gone and him barely leaning over me as I would fall into a lake, him never moving a finger to get me out or push me in either. I was doing this all to myself, of course. That would be no lie. I knew that I was my own dark reflection which had to stop.

The days went by and we just texted just like any other friends would. Neither of us were too keen on leaving our rooms and we even bothered to tell the other, probably both smirking. I smoked a bit more and Johnny said that he would usually try to hide it from his parents as I sat on the doorstep of the house, watching the night finally crawl in and I realized that we had been texting each other for a while about nothing. Is this what people did as friends? I didn’t have a phone as a child, but I would have Paul or Andy over for hours and we would entertain ourselves somehow like that. Maybe this was the same thing. Was this feeling friendship? Was I lost?

Eventually the days passed and we agreed to meet up a bit before an actual game we were having, just to stroll around town, doing absolutely nothing. Afterwards I could always invite him over and I would be lying if my lips weren’t begging even for his fingers to brush against them. But I knew that all the desires would hush, because I had managed to hold before with him, so why wouldn’t I now?

Seeing him, makes my heart feel heavy and the whole ride I was preparing myself for the first few steps, but once you see someone you like, all the thoughts evaporate. He grins at me and waves from his bus stop. I approach him, as he manages to check his phone quickly, probably for the time, since it doesn’t take any more than a glance. The bus was on schedule, so it wasn’t exactly late and I appeared on time I said I would.

“Hey, Robbie.” He says as I get to him and he quickly ruffles my hair, since I’m shorter and that causes my cheeks to heat up, but I nudge him with my elbow and he stops. I try really hard not to think of myself touching to him and then thinking of how nice post-coital would be with all the hair ruffling.

“Hey, Johnny.” I nearly parrot it back, as his grin doesn’t fade. We both glance at the football court which already has someone from our team, probably the other Robbie, just browsing his phone and otherwise he would’ve been late, considering how he needs to make a bus connection and his bus isn’t that frequent if I remember correctly. But neither of us exposes interest in asking him to join us, which isn’t very team like, but from what I understand Johnny already got the fact that everyone is fucking homophobe when they find it necessary. Everything is pretty on paper where it says that homophobia is defeated, but it never really is. It doesn’t reach the ugly fingers of the rural areas and it’s inhabitants.

“So, did you go to sleep when we were chatting or did you actually play Fifa until dawn?” Johnny asks me, as we start walking towards whatever could be considered the centre of the city, but there isn’t really such a thing, sure, there’s a few stores but that’s all there ever will be.

“I’ve got pretty damn good curtains. I can never tell when dawn really reaches me.” I smirk back at his question. Johnny joins me.

I’m not entirely sure, if he’s worried or just being polite and I’ve had such a wide range of emotions over the past few days, times when I would try to get over him, times when all I really did was care about kicking the ball or just sitting outside and smoking. I did as much as I could to occupy myself, as if I was a therapist telling myself to pull myself together because technically there was no break up even if it had hurt.

“So did you sleep at least or are you going to make us lose, midfielder which says that our defence is rubbish?” Johnny nudges me with his shoulder now.

“Our defence is rubbish.” I pause. He’s interested. “And I did sleep after all, I went a bit after I told you, really.”

I don’t blush if anything, but something warm is in my chest, but for Johnny’s sake I ignore it as much as I can.

“Okay, maybe our defence is bad. We’ll see.” Johnny shrugs, all eyes on me, still. I try to keep looking away, but then I realize that it’s just the way Johnny is, he stares into your damn soul, making sure that you’ll look back and then some contact is held or whatever.

“It’s pretty damn bad. It’s a known consensus, that’s why we don’t really get anyone interested in us.” I sigh, annoyed at the whole damn team. Johnny cuts me off from any further thoughts.

“You’d like to proceed with the career?” Johnny asks very curiously and casually, a question which I don’t really raise myself to myself even in the deepest of nights when anxiety, depression are peeled off and I can dream of fairies granting wishes and that love is somehow true.

He startles me and my thoughts go blank, of course I had thoughts of it when I was growing up, but I had no hope in it whatsoever. I didn’t believe that we would ever scouted, any of us and that I would be stuck in some job, as I would just join other dads in order to kick the ball around, but I knew that I would never get anywhere serious because that’s what I knew, that’s what I believed in. My parents weren’t interested and frankly, I could just continue whatever they were doing or just sell all the property and live with any small job and that would’ve been sufficient, but football was never something I had wished upon to be granted.

“Dude, no one would ever scout us.”

“You can never be sure. Sometimes word just spreads or something. People get picked up from favelas, man. What’s a shitty small town here?” Johnny shrugs and I’m sure he would’ve spoken about the subject with more eager sparkling eyes if I had been up for it, even if he’s a terribly cocky striker.

“We’re like 18, they should’ve picked us up much earlier.” I guess I sound nearly whining, because I really don’t want to think of my dark future, where I literally would only kick the ball on the weekends with other mediocre dads which wouldn’t care about anything and just drinking beer during football matches and maybe still picking fights with morons online about certain things, as if I were an expert.

“You never really thought of it, right? Or let dreams seep through into your rock hard brain, yeah?” Johnny asks me curiously, probably surprised on how come I don’t really think much of something he could plaster on his walls if he could. He would plaster himself in some Barcelona kit and stare at it, waiting for the right day to come, to replace Neymar, I mean, he’s being modest of course.

“Of course I fucking know, but we’re not like Brazilian or anything. We’re not… that good.” I sigh, sadly, wondering if life had placed us anywhere else and possibly if parents cared maybe we would’ve gotten somewhere, but I highly doubt it, considering how mediocre we happen to be. Well, Johnny’s worse, but then maybe being cocky is a good attribute for a striker to have since they have to get the ball and break someone’s legs in two.

“Speak for yourself, I’m amazing.” Johnny beams. I roll my eyes at him for a long while, that he could have easily slapped me for it, but he remains polite and I know that the topic won’t really be dropped that easily.

“’Course.” I say, giving out a brief laugh. But I pat him on the back. I smile weakly. “Look, if you believe in that, keep thinking that. Maybe you’ll manage, who knows. But you gotta think what you want and you’ll figure it out, it’ll come and you’ll be happy.”

Johnny just grins at me, confident in his shitty skills and his own cocky self.

–

I’ve been awfully tired, but here it is. It’s a completely different mentality when it comes to theirs and mine. My summer is long over and I’m slowly getting used to a new routine, so yeah. I miss summer’s carefree nature, but then the grass is always greener. I just enjoy the story a lot.

Offside. Chapter 13

Johnny is still caught up in his thoughts, but I am more than convinced that he’s doing this because he had invited me before and this only confirms the gesture of friendship. Maybe I’m just getting honoured to be a friend forever now by this small action. We remain silent simply because I can’t really think of anything to ask at all. I could ask something really stupid like if he’s enjoying the place after the move, but the problem is that I’m sure he wishes he were back in his hometown instead. I don’t know how to imply that I’m into him, that somehow that won’t change and that my moronic heart wants him to know that. Because I’m no longer thinking with anything else, but I keep my mouth shut as we enter the door.

There’s always this loneliness which trails, which has followed me my entire life. It’s a trembling fear of never finding someone else who would understand and mimic everything I like. Once I knew I was gay I felt alienated even with Steven, because he was bisexual, I never understood attraction towards women even if I had been guilty of it in the past. I didn’t understand the merit of certain movies and I would be alone in searching for books which would tell me of the past, which would make me understand how would love tick. Steven would help, but I’d still feel alienated. I could never muster the courage to tell him that he enjoyed that movie because he could relate to it.

Maybe Johnny wasn’t a good idea either?

Would he-

I just stopped in my tracks and Johnny followed, turning around, probably because he didn’t hear the noise of my footsteps anymore. I just get hollow breathing, watching him and the wind play with curls. I wonder how often had he cut them off as a child, growing up and how much did he dislike them?

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” My mouth tastes like metal, blood as if I had been biting it all this time. There was never anyone, just those who pretended to care. Johnny makes a step towards me, lost and I look up at him. I wish I were the wind, tousling his hair, stroking his cheeks. The bus is gone too. I have nowhere to go.

I’ve got Johnny as a friend. I shake my head and Johnny waits for me to say something I don’t know.

I can’t really speak to him about how lonely I’ve been and how I would just drown myself in alcohol and cigarettes if I could. I’ve reached the end of trying to find anyone online and around me there is no one and every year there’s a hope of someone new. It feels like an online conversation where the other decides to leave and I’m left wondering what have I even said wrong.

But I know how I’m fucking up and my heart is pounding through my entire body.

Johnny shifts to look at the bus stop, as if he would be able to fucking read the times from here.

“Robbie, regardless it’s a fucking hour to the next bus.”

“It’s fine, I can wait.” I stop looking at the pebbles below us and actually look him in the eye, even if he’s much taller than I am. I try not to think much of his height in a sexual way either, because all is really lost or maybe I’m sabotaging it myself. But then do I want to be friends with someone who just pulled me away? Is this where it all ends? Is this the grand finale?

“Robbie.” And we’re both staring at each other. Johnny seems to have discarded the kiss which ripped my heart in shreds. “Don’t be a fool, you’re welcome to come in, man.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder and I shrug it. I’m far more hurt than I should be. I didn’t expect this turn of events and I’m not sure how I even fucking feel about it.

“Yeah, I know.” I pause. “And thank you for that, but…”

“I’m not sure I’m pleased with… someone just discarding a kiss like that.” I’m desperate and sabotaging.

“…It was just a kiss.” He says with a really long pause.

“It wouldn’t be just a kiss if I would do it again and you wouldn’t lean away.” I stand strong with my words. I try to find something strong to keep backing me up. But I find nothing besides fear in his eyes. He’s panicking.

“It was just a kiss.” Johnny repeats and I recall how he was in the city. He was dazing out and we just went home for him to turn over a new leaf and forget about everything, just shove it under the rug and sit on it, waiting for all of it to be gone. But it’s not his imagination, he’s fighting but himself, ripping to shreds, denial.

I step up to him and he just stares, wind blowing his curls and I just watch him.

“You’ve got to relax.” I lean in and his breathing eases as I get closer. “You’ve got nothing to lose.”

But as soon as I say the phrase I regret it deeply. You can lose everything-

“Robbie, my parents are homophobic.” He snaps out of it and shakes his head, I watch him from this close. I’m guessing his parents are away.

“I’m sorry, that’s not exactly what I meant.” I say and Johnny’s already lost himself to thinking about his parents and I can see that on his face. I wonder how bad are they and what he had heard, because you can still hear things before you even know who you are. “You… yourself should just let loose.”

“Maybe you should stay at the bus stop.” Johnny mumbles it stone cold. He then proceeds to look up at me and regret what he had just said. “Look… Please, please just drop it. I’ve never even thought properly of guys. It’s not my sexuality, but yours.”

He starts breathing heavier and I just want to hold him. I guess I open my mouth without realizing it and Johnny abruptly stops whatever I’m doing. He’s terrified, just like any straight boy would be, I assume.

I want to hold him.

I want to tell him that it’ll be alright.

I want him to be mine.

“Yes, I kissed you. We were both caught up in the fucking moment. We just… went overboard.” I feel like his own thoughts are racing and he’s not exactly sure to which ones should he even listen anymore. I feel like I’m losing Steven again, I just see the cracks and I trace my fingers into oblivion, praying that something would happen, that me breaking it further would somehow make it all dissolve and come back if I wait patiently enough or think of it. “Look, I think of you as a great friend in this pile of shit which I’ve come to know.”

My own breath becomes heavy. I don’t even want to be just a friend. I’m out of arguments to even shoot out. I can’t touch him, we just stand ridiculously close to each other, saying nothing and doing nothing. It’s… bad.

“So you just want me to step over the kiss and remain friends?” Why is it just a kiss, when we’re grown up and frankly he should’ve just fucked me in the ass at this point. This feels like child’s play and I am clearly losing the game, I have tripped over the skipping rope and fallen chin down against the asphalt.

“Yes!” Johnny exclaims as if he were a teacher and I had finally understood the problem.

“That’ll cost you.” Johnny looks down straight at me. “Another kiss.”

He goes pale. I nudge him with my elbow, grinning as much as my broken heart can. I wish it was time for a change when I’m not heartbroken, I wish something would move properly down that front, but I understand that a kiss is literally the most action I have gotten in God knows how long now because a day is an eternity of itself.

“I’m just mocking you, I’m your friend.” Let me dream at least. He eases up. “But my offer will stand forever.”

Johnny just shows me a rather sad smile, probably feeling sorry for me but I sell it to myself that he somehow feels sad and he would rather hold me in his arms instead. At least just that.

I look back, understanding that I’ve truly lost my head on the way. Maybe I should look at him as a friend, just a friend who happens to understand me somehow. Who happens not to be homophobic towards me? Steven had left a terribly foul taste in my mouth and I’ve had crushes who had turned around to be full flesh homophobic or just stop once they would realize what’s happening, both of us would, looking back. But would Johnny be the same? Would he just vanish from my life?

We both silently continue to walk towards the house and I can’t help but wonder how many people have left such a vile and foul taste in my mouth, that even when I think of them today I just wish my mind would switch to something else. Eventually it does, but just like now, my mind is polluted with fear and such thoughts.

I still feel like I’m starving from Johnny, that I still want to pin him down, that I want to keep feeling the length of such a kiss.

I can never help but wonder about football players who are never out. I don’t think I would able to stay private and I remember thinking of artists who would produce straight art and that always got me thinking. If art is supposed to make you free, how does straight art set a gay man free? It wouldn’t be exactly applicable to football, but I didn’t want to think that I would have to hide a boyfriend. I always wondered about many players, letting my thoughts wander if they were really queer and what makes them closeted.

I also mused on ignorant opinions, because that’s what holds us back. Because one man can’t change anything at all but an ignorant opinion can spread. Maybe after crying, one can realize that the world could’ve been much worse.

“You alright, Robbie?”

Oh, you know, just thinking about how unfair the world is. No matter how much I’ll yell I’ll never be heard and if I’ll have to be closeted for a football career I would.

“Yeah, yeah.” I smile at him, I try to get out my friendliest smile which is probably terrifying and predator looking. I just sigh heavily when he’s ruffling his pockets for the keys and as soon as he glances at me, I plaster my smile back up.

“It’s fine… I don’t expect you to just give it all up today, I just think that I really want you as a friend. If you’re fine with that, of course?” Johnny says. Please tell me that somehow if we bond you’ll at least want to kiss me once more? “Getting over a crush is always hard.”

And you are hitting me hard, Johnny.

“You can always talk about it. I’d be flattered.” He grins at me slightly, still trying to make the air at least a bit lighter. But I still don’t know what to make of it all, besides frown inside.

“Ha ha.” I say a bit too gloomily, but Johnny takes it anyway and we’re in. I expected something like a kiss somehow, that when I would go to his place he would just hold me in his arms and we would make out, maybe even have sex on the rug which something which I could’ve easily expected. The rug, that is.

“You want to play Fifa?” He offers me and I just nod, realizing that a good game could relax me after all. I wonder if he’s got alcohol but then I don’t want to show up smashed back at my parents’ or at the bus, missing my stop altogether because the trees look all the same when you’re drunk and you open the bus window to peak out.

“Please don’t fucking play Cristiano like you did last time.” I whine, smiling briefly, recalling the minor mock.

“Okay, I’ll play Barcelona then. Would that be better?” He looks at me as we take off our shoes. “Why don’t you try it as well, I’ll play Barcelona, kick midfield with Messi and you take Ronaldo, since he’s rumoured to be gay, just like you.”

“I think he’s gay. Seen the daddy he hung out with?” Johnny just shakes his head to my question, because I do have a habit of sometimes checking the yellow pages about football players when I’m bored or their Instagram just to see what could’ve awaited me if I could actually be a proper midfielder.

“You clearly know much more than I do, so I’ll take him as gay then.” I just grin as we head to Johnny’s room which is upstairs, just like any other house here or maybe that’s where the console is. His family could’ve spiced it up and kept the kitchen upstairs or something, but then I doubt they did something too revolutionary with the house.

I don’t want him to leave me either way, I don’t want him to become a Steven. I don’t need to sulk over another guy to think over a sinking heart. Sometimes when I think of Steven, I feel like I’m going through all of it all over again. I feel like I’m back to day one, when I found out. I can never help but wonder what the hell could’ve happened if he kept himself to himself. He had cried. He had regretted. I don’t think of that, I think of how I had left him. I start feeling cold. I couldn’t have done anything at all to change it, but it hurts. But enough of sinking low and thinking of him. I need to move on when I’ve got no one to move to.

We do end up following Johnny’s plan and I do play as Real Madrid, kicking from the middle of the field, same for him and both of cussing when the other scores. I can’t help but keep glancing at him, confused how come he had managed to step over it so easily. In the back of my mind I prayed all day that he would change his mind in a home setting, but instead he just continued being himself, I assume. Just friendly, offering to make dinner for both of us as his parents went elsewhere and I helped to cook with every cooking skill I had. Eventually his parents came back and I couldn’t help but wonder how deeply rooted their homophobia was, since he was American. But then maybe I shouldn’t have even thought of it. The day went well, despite all my anxiety and neither of us mentioned it and I kept my jokes in my sleeve, as if there would be a perfect moment to just whip them out.

He walked me to the bus stop and as soon as we were both of out sight, he just hugged me tight. Johnny didn’t say much to go with it, but I took it actually as a friendly gesture, we had a weird start of a day and I guess a beginning to a friendship now? Could I even consider him my friend?

–

Sorry for the delay, but I’m only a day late thankfully. I’m also pretty smashed from life and alcohol at this point. I had this theory that everyone has their point where they decide with their mouths closed whether they become friends or not. I discussed it widely with my previous crush.

So that’s the backdrop of this chapter.

I’ve been debating strongly of family and their acceptance. The usual motion is to come out and deal with it, but is that really the wisest idea? That’s also another topic I go in deep with because it’s so personal to me.

Offside. Chapter 12

“Last stop!” And we pull away, as if burnt. Johnny looks at me bewildered, his hair a mess. He closes his eyes and rubs them, grabbing his backpack and sitting up. He glances at me, motioning to get off the bus. I can’t stabilize my breathing as we head out silently. I’m giving him the stage to speak out and we’ve got ridiculous boners which aren’t exactly hidden by anything besides us stashing them behind our backpacks. Johnny’s too silent as we just stand on the bus stop and he stares ahead.

“Look, I’m-”

“I initiated it.” Johnny says. I stare at him. He takes out a packet of cigarettes from his backpack. He bites his lip as he gets the lighter as well. “You’re a good kisser, James.”

Where do we go from here? I just look around and there’s plenty of people and they don’t know we just made out for nothing. He gives me a cigarette and leans against me to light it. I just stare at him wide eyed. My heart gets heavy. Maybe I should tell him?

“We’ve…” Johnny stares at me for the odd start of a sentence. I swallow a lump in my throat. “Oh God. We’ve kissed before.”

Johnny stares at me.

“You said you didn’t want me to be lonely.” I say and I think for a while. “That’s the best thing that happened to me in a while… until that.”

That is the kiss we just had. Johnny just nods.

“That’s true, I don’t want you to be lonely.” He says quietly. Johnny clutches the backpack and looks away. “I just… don’t think it’s going to be me.”

I let go of one strap of my backpack and grab his hand. Johnny looks at me. He’s too fucking tall for me. I don’t know what to say to that.

“I didn’t mean it to escalate.” He says. I’m guessing he means the second kiss.

“You fucking asked me what would I do to you, Johnny.” I laugh a bit darkly. He can’t really be regretting this now. I try to remember his eager mouth and tongue. I’m trying to stay grounded. But even when I look back, it did escalate ridiculously fast. I don’t know how we managed to get so heated up and so fast. I thought we would be playing this tug of war forever, but we ended up making out.

“Yeah, I know.” He looks away. “Robbie, you’re a great guy-”

I shake my head and he stops.

“Own up to it.” Johnny stares at me even more bewildered. I sigh and rub my face with my hands. “Come on. Let’s distract you.”

I grab his hand, as he still clings onto the backpack. He doesn’t move though and I look back at him. He’s got something to say and I see that he’s pondering on the right words to choose. I pause and look at Johnny, as he just looks at me just as lost as he was a while ago.

“I mean it. I… just got distracted.” He says it nearly as an echo of what’s actually going on in his head right now.

“Johnny, you made out with me.” I say, nearly confessing for him but he just shakes his head. I sigh, pulling him by his hand again, but he doesn’t even flinch and neither does he swat my hand away. Some people are looking at us curiously, but it’s not enough for us to be causing a scene since there’s hardly an audience. There’s just us frankly trying to sort out what the hell did a kiss mean. Two kisses now. I can’t believe I spilled about the first one. I should’ve held it well to myself.

“I know.” He shifts from one foot to another. He continues in a monotone. “And I’ve kissed you before.”

It looks like he’s going into overdrive and he stares at my mouth, as if somehow it would hold all the answers to his insecurities. But it can’t because he’s not open to it. Johnny’s hand is still tense, but now he lets us walk slowly away from the bus stop, which if we stay we could get more attraction and probably make it to some gossip, which I’m sure neither of us wish to be in. We start walking silently and I keep looking around, still holding his hand softly but it doesn’t last long, before he lets go and fixes his curly hair for no reason. I look at him sadly when he does that, but I don’t dare to say anything. He’s really terrified. I wish we could’ve just walked in silence even but held hands, but I see that it’s really not what he wants. But he doesn’t push me away, which gives me hope of a friendship I don’t crave that much. Would I accept just being friends with him? Maybe I should’ve just given up after him kissing me twice and rejecting me?

“Johnny.” I start, but he interrupts me, as if my voice was a cue to speak.

“Robbie, I’m sorry.” And he looks at me with deeply sad eyes. I make a crooked smile.

“It’s alright.”

“I’ll help you find a boyfriend.” My mouth goes dry as he says it. I’m guessing my gaze is sad enough for Johnny to look away, that he does it. He just shrugs. I can’t muster the courage to confront him.

I can’t find the energy within me to switch topics and just enjoy the day out, as we keep walking around and that’s when I start telling him whatever I know about the city, not sure if Johnny has heard it before, but he listens and he looks thankful to me. Maybe he does need some time alone even if he’s not interested in me, he needs time until the dust of the kisses settles in his head. We slip some mindless chatter in, allowing the topics to come naturally about other things I won’t recall which include some TV shows I haven’t seen or have glimpsed at, since Johnny is still straight and doesn’t exactly cringe at all the love lines we have seen before. We agree on some shows and discuss them idly as we eat and I wonder if we’re truly baring each other like this, calmly discussing things until we settle into music to find out that we have similar taste. Johnny goes a bit quiet when I mention my favourite bands, echoing that he quite enjoys them as well. I smile, but it doesn’t reach him. It makes him fidget more.

I start getting drowsy, as we have walked everywhere there is to show which is frankly nothing and we just keep throwing each other’s interests at each other. I feel like I’ve lost all the ground beneath me, but I keep talking more and more, allowing myself to keep blabbering as if that would somehow hide every disaster which had happened today. I wonder if he would still invite me over, as he intended and he doesn’t mention anything until we are back at the bus. Sadly, we get a different driver, but I wondered how would Johnny flinch if it were the same one.

Johnny sits quietly and even takes out his phone to browse it and I don’t disturb him, taking mine. I can only dream that somehow he would invite me over and start kissing me madly, apologizing, trailing his lips all over my face. But of course that won’t ever happen apparently. All of our kisses were a mistake.

I want to touch him, run my fingers through his hair and say-

But what can I say that would be soothing to him with such actions? I wonder if I should hold his shoulder and apologize once again. And I keep browsing nothing really, until I get so bored that I go on football player’s Instagram with all the trophy wives and token children who would grow up to be filthy rich thanks to their dads. Maybe they would get some careers though. I pondered for a while if I would even consider working, with that amount of money to my name. I would still kick the ball. But just kicking it isn’t really a job.

I turn my phone to show Cristiano Ronaldo’s ridiculous Instagram which consists of everything from him stepping on a Buddha statue which caused controversy, which Johnny had heard of and laughed regardless as I spoke about it again. We just browsed his and huffed about some football players getting far too many followers for no good reason. But Johnny seemed to easing up and then he stands up.

“You coming?” I just blink at him, as if I got something asked in a foreign language. I nearly look around, as if the question could be addressed to anyone else, because frankly it can. I don’t even know why he’s asking, but I just nod in haste and quickly follow him to get off the bus.

–

I think just like everyone I get a kick out of football player’s instagrams and frankly they’re fun and I mostly enjoy the over the top ones.

I’ve been having quite a few rough days and struggling with that. I don’t really say too much personal stuff on this blog, but that’s what has been happening. I just really wanted the chapter out after encouraging words, so I managed to get myself going for a bit. I love how casual the story is and how it’s easy to write besides the current scene I’m stuck on, ironically.

Offside. Chapter 11

We paused talking just to pay for the bus fare. Usually I would just space out on buses, listen to music and let it drag me away somewhere. I would always be able to hear any noise, in case there was actually something going on, but it rarely happened and if someone would be talking there wouldn’t really be anything to tune into. Johnny sits besides me as I choose a window seat in the middle. I end up staring at him with his curls. He’s far too attractive and I would’ve really stopped to check him out, if he were a stranger on the street and I would’ve refreshed Grindr in hope that he had it and had checked it as well.

“So… do you people watch on the bus as well?” He asks me and I just shake my head.

“Nah. We can get overheard too, who wants to be reminded of their messy divorce by a complete stranger?” I smirk, looking into his dark eyes. My cheeks heat up a bit. Johnny’s awfully close and I’m not sure if any of us moved and my breath gets heavier. I think he’s mocking me as I see his eyes quickly glance down.

“Yeah, wouldn’t want anyone to make assumptions about yourself, would you, Robbie?” And he pats me on the shoulder. The fucker. Maybe he knows everything and he’s playing me. I’m not the best secret holder in the world, even if the secret is my own. I’m not even sure what does he mean, but the more I look at him, the more I know that I am deeply attracted and I’m playing some ridiculous game with a straight guy.

I can’t really keep playing with fire. I’m a shit though.

“I don’t have a say in it, though. People still make assumptions, because people like gossip and if the person in question doesn’t comply to speak about themselves, then they will be talked about.” That sounded far too intellectual of me than I had ever expected. Johnny makes a face and nods. We are both probably ridiculously bored. That’s what is really happening.

“You could always just talk to people, let them know what’s on your mind.” And that sounds very bold and he realises it, but doesn’t take his words back. Instead I just stare at him, of course the kiss is constantly on my mind and as hours go the more foggy my mind gets and intertwines with what I wished had happened. I had imagined full blown sex after it already. So no, Johnny, I will never say what the fuck is on my mind. If he fucking wanted me he would’ve stroked my cheek, told me that it’s okay, but instead I am left with him trying to get me to open this way because he’s curious what does an unknown treasure chest hold. “You need to open up, man.”

“I don’t know you that well.” And yet we kissed and we still talked and opened up albeit briefly.

“That’s no excuse.” Johnny smirks and leans back into his seat, as I watch him. I don’t exactly know what to reply to that because he’s right. Sometimes we open up to strangers far more than we ever had to lovers. It’s all because a stranger has no bias and won’t judge perhaps someone who he doesn’t know? “It’s easier to confess things… when you happen to trust someone blindly in the beginning. When you’ve got some… expectations of how the person is supposed to be, until you find them out really.”

“Are you actually telling me to spill my soul out, because I have an ideal version of you?” I ask upfront from my seat and glancing every once in a while to the window, because no matter how often I’ve seen the landscape I still enjoy looking at it, because I just like looking outside the window. I even wake up at night and watch the lake bathing in the moonlight.

“That’s right, James. And my offer is standing.” I smirk at it.

“And what would you like to know? Because this is more about your curiosity rather than my own.” I shake my head slightly, trying to believe in all that is happening.

“I don’t want to know anything. It’s about you telling me. It’s a better deal. I get to hear what you want to talk about.” And then he tries to hold a serious face, before bursting out in laughter. “I’m bored.”

“You should’ve started with that.” I smirk back, looking at him. I can’t tell him about the kiss which he doesn’t recall, I think because that would be pulling the rug from underneath me. Then I wouldn’t have a memory to cherish, even if he had done it drunk and had regretted it. Maybe he knows and he doesn’t want to raise it either. I honestly don’t know. My heart still skips a beat sometimes when I look at him, but I look so often that I’m sure I’ll die soon. What does one do when they’re crushing on a straight friend? Is he even a friend? Well, we do friendly things.

“That’s where my house is.” And he points to a fairly sized house we pass, which is by the road. I just nod. They all look the same, so I’m not sure the compliment of it looks nice would actually sound genuine. I just nod and stare at it, probably thinking too much of him wanking there. Maybe I should’ve insisted for both of us to just play Fifa at his or something. Anything, but it would’ve been a lot more intimate than just wandering around the big city and eating out. But then even being in a crowd can be intimate, because no one is really following what you’re saying because there are just so many people talking.

“Oh, nice.” I still say when it’s nearly out of sight and Johnny smirks at my remark. I just shrug, because what else could I have said? I don’t know if I have it within me to talk about the previous topic again, just to see how much he teases me and wants to hear things out of me. We’re still pretty sweaty and in our uniforms, but I try not to think of it much. I never found much appeal to walking around in them, but then maybe Johnny does?

“Bare your soul to me.” Johnny continues and he nudges me with his elbow, but I just turn around and face the window, smiling slightly at his persistence but he can probably only see it through the reflection of the window. Maybe he knows we kissed and wants to see if I would spill the only thing I am clinging onto?

“Alright.” Two can play this game and I turn around to face him and hopefully we will arrive soon enough, I stretch my part of the dialogue enough so that he wouldn’t torture me too much because it’s far too hard to mutter something among the lines that I really like you even if I don’t know you that well. The thing is that I also want to get to know you, but you would never bare your soul to me if I said it. “What do you want to know?”

“If you’re a top or a bottom.” He bites his lip, trying to hold a straight face and then starts laughing and putting his hand on my shoulder. He’s very touchy. “Nah, I’m kidding. It’s personal to you. Anyone you like at the moment?”

And my cheeks surely give me out, I probably went pale too. I’m not sure which way I even went.

“So?” Johnny asks me, his eyes filled to the brim with curiosity. I’m no moron. I want to have a great time even if he’s my crush. I don’t even want to think of it, of the outcome if I tell him anything that is.

“No one you know.” I say and regret the really bad attempt at dodging the question. Johnny’s eyes focus on mine, trying to read me, but I don’t really show much. Maybe some lies, but I don’t think he catches that.

“Are you sure?” He asks, probably ruffling through people he might know which could be a crush of mine.

“Yeah.” I rub my eyes, just to avoid his piercing look.

“He straight?”

“Why are you assuming that?”

“Because you look like a straight guy chaser. A predator, trying to lure poor straight men into anal.” Johnny says it with a straight face, well, trying to and biting his lip as he nods to the words. I laugh with him and deep down, I wonder if I am one, but now it’s my turn to punch him playfully on the shoulder. Body language and touch it is. I can’t really call myself a straight chaser, because Steven was pretty bisexual and out for a fair while before I was. I’ve surely crushed on guys before I accepted myself, but I never chased them down like I’m trying to do with Johnny.

“Are they really that poor if they secretly want it?” And I bite my tongue, raising my eyebrows, trying to look just as serious as Johnny is. Maybe we’re just getting to be close friends, that’s all and he’s not a wanker like Paul and Andy. Actual banter than mockery.

“I don’t know.” Johnny pauses. “Is it really that good?”

“What is?” I pretend to be oblivious.

“Fucking a guy.”

“Well, if you’re into the guy and into gay sex, yeah.” My answer is too generic and I can’t think of anything far too cheeky to reply. Johnny also seems displeased with my lack of mockery in my answer. I turn to face him and grin. “You wanna try?”

Johnny looks up to ponder for a while.

“Maybe if the right guy came along.” He says faking a dreamy tone.

“Came along.” I smirk like a seven year old.

“Quit being an asshole. I’m having a homoerotic moment here.” My fellow striker notes. I just stare at him in pure hope and wondering if he would ever break and I would be able to make out with him again, somehow. Well, we never made out. I kept thinking about him too much, letting it all circle and waltz in my head.

“Maybe we should’ve just gone to yours then and I would have just shown you how everything works?” I say, motioning back to where we had passed the house quite a while ago now. Johnny just smiles at me, thinking what to reply now. He’s toying with me just as much as I am trying to do it back. I motion oral sex with my tongue as well, as he just laughs lightly.

“Maybe later.” He looks outside. “We passed the house a while back. Sorry for getting it far too steamy for both of us.”

I don’t even know if he is kidding with me or not, all I can think about is that maybe the offer really is on the table or I could kiss him and tell him that actually I thought you were serious, that’s why I’ve got your dick in my mouth and I’m on my knees. Johnny grins, now with the next question fresh in his mind.

“What would you do to me?” I just blink at his sudden question, realizing how much of a sexual one that is. Frankly, you only ask it if you’re about to fuck or maybe fuck around, in Johnny’s case. He grins wider. “Tell me.”

I look down at his lips as he says it. The way they move. I want to kiss him. I give out a heavy sigh and try to keep a mocking smile on my lips, just to prove that I am just as much in the game as he is. I don’t even notice that I’ve managed to lean closer to him somehow. My whole body is burning and I would’ve been shirtless if I could.

I don’t push further. Two can play this game and I put a hand on each side of him, looking at him in the eyes, barely breathing. Johnny just watches me and his grin fades, his own breathing getting heavier and he watches me, not saying anything. We’re just fucking around.

I lean closer and he just stares at me, mouth a bit open.

My mind goes blank, but I manage to speak even with him so close to me.

“I’m no moron. I would kiss you first.”

“What’s stopping you?” He asks, raising his eyebrows and moving slightly towards me. I quickly glance to the window. We’re nearly there. We’re really fucking around. He takes me by the chin and moves my head back to face him. I let my thumbs gently rub the fabric of his sweaty t-shirt.

“It’s not like…” Shit, he remembers. “You don’t want to.”

He doesn’t.

I’m not moving. He grins, but he’s fully lost.

“You’ve wanted me for a while now, haven’t you?” And he traces a finger down my cheek. I smirk, wondering who is even chasing who.

“I’m not the one bending my sexuality for a gay boy.” And I lean very close so that my breath is on his. I glance back up from his lips. I feel myself get harder from all the tension and I wonder if the same is going on in Johnny’s shorts. This would make it ridiculous to walk around.

“Well then.” He breathes on me, dark eyes fixed on mine. Johnny closes his eyes slowly –

My heart is pounding as I stare at him with his eyes closed. He’s toying me. Fear tales a firm grip on me. What if this is all mockery and he would tell everyone that I pounced on him?

Johnny opens his eyes and looks at me lustfully, which makes my stomach jump.

“Giving up?” He asks softly, mocking me. He places his thumb on my bottom lip, brushing it. Johnny’s breathing get even heavier and he removes his thumb, making himself vulnerable for a kiss again. “I’m not one to beg.”

“Maybe you should.” I insist. I can barely look into his eyes anymore. The bus does a sudden stop and I turn around to see that we reached the bus station of the city. “Johnny-”

But I don’t know what I had wanted to say.

He kisses me in haste again, as my eyes are wide open. Maybe all is going according to time. I gasp and I pull him closer, Johnny jerking at the sudden pull.

“Don’t pull back again.” I say desperately and fast against his lips, not realizing what the hell am I even doing. I kiss him again, both of us opening our mouths. Johnny’s tongue hungrily rubs against my own. Maybe he’s just experimenting? I pull his curls.

–

A moment we’ve all been waiting for really. I wrote it quite a while back and I did it in one go, if my memory isn’t deceiving me. I didn’t want to split it up, because it’s such a scene that you really do read in one go and it’s not like either of them drifted elsewhere with thinking either.

Offside. Chapter 10

What if he remembers but thinks that it didn’t happen because I didn’t mention it? Therefore he thinks it was just a bad dream, where you make out with your friend for no good reason other than to wake up and avoid them for the rest of the day? I end up killing too much time of the day thinking until the next practice. I try not to think of any school, courses or anything which I would be dreading. I don’t even really understand how come some things started scaring me so suddenly. It was surely because I couldn’t see myself living outside and somehow even ending up with another man. I felt as if I would always end up in this flirting, maybe dating cycle but it will never actually become properly serious.

I avoided my parents as much as I could and I knew that they felt the same. The last time we talked about my future, we ended up shouting and counting the months until the university application would open where I would be cut open and would have to speak.

Instead I thought of love. I don’t know why, but I thought of tragic love. Not much came to mind, because even if the portrayal of gay men is ridiculously tragic, I couldn’t relate to anything because all I had was a crush I smoked more often from, but at night I would dramatize it enough to just open the window and stare into the black abyss of the night with the crickets and wondering how would the day colour tomorrow’s sky. I knew that I was nothing, but everything seemed to be dramatic.

I felt bad touching myself to him, so I just watched porn, wondering how he would’ve felt.

I spent a good while playing against Andy, who seemed to have something else on his mind and wouldn’t talk much besides play with me and that seemed fine by me. Somehow, I wasn’t caring much about his problems with girls anymore. He was a cunt anyway.

Didn’t even bother to say bye to my parents before the training. I just left, walking far too fast, so I ended up waiting for the bus too long and since the reception is a bit wonky, it was no use to scroll. I thought about trying to enjoy nature and how quiet the road was, but the problem is that I grew up in the countryside and it’s not like I had a long while where I didn’t see it. Nothing was exotic. The bus came and I looked around, hoping to find Johnny and that somehow just kissing with no explanation would be okay. But I’m not straight and neither am I a girl to please him.

I curled up on the seat, watching all the houses drift with stores, farm animals and other cars passing which I could possibly remember if I tried hard enough if I’d look into the driver’s faces.

Maybe I should have actually told Johnny?

He told me he didn’t want me to feel lonely. Well, I didn’t feel lonely, he was true. I just felt heartbroken as fuck.

Maybe I should still tell Johnny?

When I see him, my chest tightens and he’s the last as usual, apparently. His bus arrives a few minutes to the start, so I can’t blame him for not taking a bus which arrives a whole hour later. There is literally nothing to do here for an hour unless you are grocery shopping for the whole family.

To make matters worse, he really does act normal, saying hi to me, Paul and Andy. I would want to say something like his eyes lingered longer on me, but they didn’t. So I just ended up sulking about it for the whole damn day, glancing towards him, up to the point that he approached me and asked what’s up. To which I had no damn reply. Nothing was up. His hair wasn’t even ruined with sweat like mine was. He just seemed moderate, but because I had a crush on him, I thought he looked great.

The whole day was a bore with the coach starting off the dread with asking us to jog around the pitch for five minutes straight. Then it was just some exercises with cones and dribbling. By the end, when I thought I would personally murder Julian, he said that the time was up and he would see us next training.

I didn’t even bother to glance at Johnny anymore, there was no point. But he did approach me, when Paul and Andy pissed off earlier than usual. Probably were both shagging some girl, to make sure that there was a girl to not make it gay.

“Hey, I heard there’s a McDonald’s in the neighbouring city.” Johnny says suddenly and I just stare at him, but I manage to compose myself.

“Yeah, there is. It’s a walk from the bus station, but there is one. It does also take an hour on bus.” I say, realizing how negative that sounds. “But that’s alright. Just have headphones on you, since the internet can get wonky on the way.”

“Or have someone come with you.” Johnny shrugs and smiles at me, slightly.

Maybe he remembers?

Maybe he really remembers somehow? I didn’t know.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” I say a bit quietly and looking into his brown eyes. I stand up, sticking my football shoes back into my backpack. I’m not a big fan of going somewhere long while covered in sweat, but I had no choice if I even tried a bit to get laid. Would I even get laid? Maybe he would get desperate and just not want to deal with taking a girl out for numerous dates when he could just ask me out and I would be on my knees? I would be spread out in front of him too.

“Awesome.” He says and I see the other Robbie smirk at me, probably thinking of some homophobic remark, but I’m the one trying to get laid. So who is the real loser? The judging or the trying one? Well, I was surely a moron, but he was the asshole. “I actually live on the way there, so if you want we can always hang out at mine’s later.”

“Won’t you get bored of the queer?” The other Robbie remarks, overhearing us or rather listening to us.

“I won’t be as bored as your parents when they slept without a condom for the thrill.”Johnny shot back. I ended up staring at Johnny in surprise, that I missed the other Robbie’s reaction completely, but he turned around when I looked back. Johnny, on the other hand had a very pleased smile playing on his lips.

“Thanks for inviting.” I nearly add asking if I should ask if Andy and Paul would be interested in joining us, but instead I keep my mouth shut, so that maybe if I go with suicide by the end of this year I would die thinking something like at least I managed to squeeze out something like a date with Johnny. I can only dream and there is nothing else to do when you’re dead.

I hadn’t been in the neighbouring city in a good while and I wondered if we would people watch, which was something you didn’t get to do much in the small town, since anyone you knew could give you stink eye for thinking they got divorced just for the sake of imagining, since I always come up with messy divorces an illegitimate children, gay twists and whatnot. They would surely judge me back if they knew properly. I wondered too much if Johnny enjoyed it and if he would have joined me on that over anything really. I was a pretty bored kid and that progressed into my older teenage years.

“Oh, don’t mention it.” Johnny says and we just make our way to the bus, which should also be his home bus. I check the timetable out of curiosity and thankfully it won’t take as long. I do get anxious, wondering what even topics to raise when it comes to softly flirting in a I don’t want you to know, but I do sort of way. We just smile, but I can only gamble that maybe he really doesn’t remember the kiss or the concern.

He doesn’t want me to be lonely.

“Do you people watch?” I ask him and he looks at me curiously. I continue my blabbering. “I just find it interesting, just to watch other people. Make up stories of terrible divorces and maybe something nice, if I feel like it. I never guess it, I think. But I do end up staring up to the point that they stare back or look away, hoping that I would do the same.”

“I never really thought much about it, but I do stare at people. Just wondering what’s going on with them and whatnot, but I never go on…” He gesticulates. “Thinking of their stories in full. Maybe what’s going on with them right now, but that’s as far as I go really.”

“It’s a great way to kill time.” I can’t really say that let’s do it together. That might rub… the right way which I should keep to myself. But then I really dwell on the thought that he still invited me only, maybe he would want to say something or he just remembers that we had hung out together while we had gotten drunk? Maybe that’s all he has to say, the fact that he enjoyed hanging out with me. After all when you hang out one on one it doesn’t really mean that you want to fuck. Not everything is a gay porno. Sadly.

–

This chapter is a bit shorter so that the next interaction won’t be broken into two parts. Enjoy 😉